Something funny is going on with Ensign, but it really isn’t laughable

Like a narcissistic lounge comic with perfect hair but a tired routine, U.S. Sen. John Ensign figures to bogart the spotlight until well past closing time -- anything but admit the truth.

He got caught playing a cut-rate Henny Youngman -- "I'll take your wife and do as I please" -- and is now being done in by his second banana. Ensign's effectiveness in the Senate has been rendered a bad punch line by his own actions.

If this were vaudeville, it would be time to get the hook. But this is Nevada politics. (Your confusion is understandable.) And so there's no actual hook that can physically yank Ensign from the Senate stage.

There is, however, a complaint from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, whose executive director Melanie Sloan has called on the Department of Justice to open a criminal investigation into Ensign's sordid affair. But action on that front won't happen quickly.

For now, we're left with one part political pratfall and one part pathetic soliloquy meted out not by Ensign himself, but by his paid stand-ins -- as if the senator is so busy with the people's business he can't find a moment to actually speak for himself.

Like a ventriloquist's dummy, he manages to butcher his lines even when he remains silent.

The latest laugher emerged this past week after Ensign's former Senate staffer Doug Hampton was interviewed on Jon Ralston's "Face to Face."

Last month in a prepared statement, Ensign admitted a nine-month affair with Hampton's wife and the senator's former campaign worker, Cindy. Doug Hampton appeared unbridled and vengeful, but then it's hard to blame him. His friend the senator diddled his wife, and that would tend to chill most friendships and work environments.

In the interview, Doug Hampton said Cindy received well over $25,000 in severance when she left Ensign's employ. The senator's camp called Hampton's remarks "consistently inaccurate."

That's true, I guess. Hampton didn't precisely quote the $96,000 "gift" that came from the senator's parents in 2008. Darn Hampton's slipshod bookkeeping.

Ensign only admitted the existence of the apparent payoff after Hampton went public. Fortunately for Ensign, he has attorney Paul Coggins to write his material for him. It's priceless:

"In April 2008, Senator John Ensign's parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000," the statement begins. "Each gift was limited to $12,000. The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts."

There's a sentiment you won't find every day in your local Hallmark shop: "This gift is given with sincerity and is in compliance with all applicable IRS laws."

It continues, "After the senator told his parents about the affair, his parents decided to make the gifts out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time. The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others."

You mean Mike and Sharon Ensign send all Senator Sanctimony's conquests parting gifts?

Just in case we're still the least bit suspicious that the $96,000 slipped to the wife, husband and two children in question was a payoff to encourage their silence, Coggins reminds us, "None of the gifts came from campaign or official funds, nor were they related to any campaign or official duties. Senator Ensign has complied with all applicable laws and Senate ethics rules."

That's a relief. Because otherwise we might have thought some sleazy, unethical and, quite possibly, illegal transaction had occurred.

The trouble with Senator Sanctimony's foundering lounge comedy career is simple: He's actually a U.S. senator.

Don't laugh. But, in theory, we're supposed to be able to take him seriously.

He's not supposed to be a monumental hypocrite who preaches about the sanctity of marriage by day and by night nails his wife's best girlfriend on the side -- then tries to cover up.

He's 51 years old and worth millions. He's not supposed to allow his parents to help get him out of zipper trouble.

We don't ask for much from our politicians in Nevada, heaven knows. But we ought to be able to expect more than that.

The only thing more unintentionally hilarious than Ensign's $96,000 explanation is the daffy notion that Senator Sanctimony believes he can continue his tired act with a shred of credibility.

Now that's what I call funny.

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295. He also blogs at lvrj.com/blogs/smith.