With ‘Cash for Clunkers’ ending, these models are headed for the junkyard

Auto dealers scrambled Monday to cut deals and beat the deadline for the Car Allowance Rebate System, also known as the "Cash for Clunkers" program.

According to Edmunds.com, the Ford Explorer and Windstar, Jeep Grand Cherokee, Chevy Blazer and Dodge Caravan were among the most popular gas-guzzlers on the clunker list as the final hours drew near.

Even staunch critics of President Barack Obama seem to agree the Cash for Clunkers idea was inspired and successful. The program is the Obama administration's most successful attempt to clear the air, remove junk off the street and stimulate the economy in the process.

But wait just a minute. Why stop with automobiles?

I can think of many other things around here that could easily be traded in. So let's expand the Cash for Clunkers program, shall we, and include a few of these models:

ENSIGN EDSEL: Despite being mired in a creepy sex scandal that has ruined his credibility and invited ethics investigations, U.S. Sen. John Ensign continues to deny the undeniable. Try as he might, Ensign can't roll back the odometer.

You'll find your political career in the rear-view mirror, Senator.

CONGRESSIONAL CHEVETTE: How many shaky members of Nevada's congressional delegation can fit into an under-powered, sub-compact that refuses to make stops at town hall meetings?

All of them, it turns out.

The only thing sillier than allowing an anti-health care reform heckler to run your public forum is to skip the meeting altogether.

GRAND GIBBONATOR: When Gov. Jim Gibbons took office, who could have predicted state government would blow its gaskets and crack its engine block?

All right, a lot of us. But it's no time to gloat. It's time to trade in your leaky incumbent for a new model.

Despite all the knocking and pinging, the Gibbonator promises he'll still be running in 2010 despite abysmal polling numbers that make him only slightly more popular than the herpes simplex virus.

ELDORADO JOE: What does a corrupting brothel boss have to do to go to prison in this state?

Apparently more than slippery Maynard "Joe" Richards, who was convicted in federal court of attempting to bribe a Nye County Commissioner. But U.S. District Court Judge Robert Jones declined to send the whoremaster to prison.

It's the first time I can remember the owner of an all-the-way house being sent to a halfway house.

ECHELON EXPLORER: Is it a casino or an ironworks? Some business insiders called Bill Boyd's decision in 2008 to halt construction on the ambitious, $4 billion Echelon resort project on the Strip a brilliant move, but I'll bet none of those analysts is the scrap heap's neighbors on Las Vegas Boulevard.

On the downside, the Echelon site is enormously ugly. On the upside, it already looks nicer than the Kandahar Hilton.

TIPPING WYNNSTAR: Rarely in Las Vegas history has a man so bright invited so much ridicule. Casino impresario Steve Wynn's ill-advised decision to transfer some of his dealers' tips to floor personnel makes the billionaire look like an insensitive, politically tone-deaf bully. It's long past time he traded it in.

REBEL CARAVAN: The air at Sam Boyd Stadium isn't the only thing that reeks when UNLV's football team takes the field. The Rebels play a brand of ball that's not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.

The next thing you know some comedian is going to make the audacious claim that cash-strapped UNLV actually pays someone a couple of hundred grand a year to run the team.

This clunker doesn't run well, or pass much either.

CAPITAL CAPRICE: When Joe Milanowski recently pleaded guilty to crimes related to his manipulation of USA Capital mortgage company, a relieved sigh echoed across the valley. Abundant evidence shows the company took advantage of investors, who lost hundreds of millions.

The question remains: What will become of former USA Capital owner Tom Hantges?

PONTIAC PRIVÉ: Under the spell of local attorney Jay Brown, Clark County commissioners last week found it in their hearts to grant controversial nightclub Privé a temporary liquor license, which enabled the Boulevard embarrassment to reopen under what looks like new management.

This clunker isn't your normal lemon.

It's ecologically advanced. Privé runs on juice alone.

(Have any other candidates for my extended cash for clunkers program? Send them along.)

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295. He also blogs at lvrj.com/blogs/smith.