Don’t let food grinches spoil your holiday

They see you when you’re eating; they know when you’ve had cake. They know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good and skip the steak.

Such is the decidedly un-jolly tune of holiday humbuggers obsessed with what Americans are eating.

And no, Santa’s not exempt. In fact, Old St. Nick has so clearly been naughty (the belly’s a dead giveaway — it shakes when he laughs, like a bowl full of jelly) that food scolds feel the need to take away his historically mandated milk and cookies because it might set a bad example for kids.

But this year, these nog-hating nannies have gone too far. They’ve tossed the notion of personal responsibility out with unwanted fruit cake and instead argue that Santa’s spare tire is because food is an “addictive drug.” And I am not exaggerating.

Of course, we’re all addicted to food insofar as we need it to stay alive, but that’s not what they mean. To them, those candied yams on the table aren’t so different from cocaine.

Activists’ solution to Santa’s jolly bulge is a new laundry list of rules and regulations from Uncle Sam. Topping the list is a ban on sugary items to children and teens — activists recently argued for this in the academic journal Nature.

Now, you might protest that this idea of “cookie addiction” is an absurd extrapolation from unproven brain imaging that bears little relation to the way things actually are. As researchers from Cambridge University noted, “Criteria for substance dependence translate poorly to food-related behaviors.” And a University of Aberdeen professor recently argued at an Irish government-sponsored conference, for most people “it is almost certainly completely inappropriate to suggest that food addiction or eating addiction has any role to play” in weight problems.

And you — like those researchers — would be right. There aren’t mall Santas across the nation curled up in alleyways snorting hot cocoa powder for a quick fix.

But if Old St. Nick does want to slim down, there are other, more promising options than raising soda taxes, labeling menus and fear-mongering about ingredients such as salt or food coloring. Indeed, there’s evidence that it isn’t the cookies, but rather a lack of exercise that has super-sized Americans.

A recent study by Stanford University researchers found that recent rises in obesity were closely correlated with decreases in physical activity. While in 1994 only 19 percent of women and 11 percent of men reported no leisure-time physical activity — essentially, exercise — today those no-exercise rates are 52 percent and 44 percent, respectively.

So rather than eating celery instead of Grandma’s famous apple pie, a better approach might be to swap out some items on your gift wish list. Forgoing the pricey 105-inch curved-surface television for a more affordable and better-for-you bicycle is a sound health decision, not just a sound financial decision.

And as for the jolly old elf? Well, St. Nick has been around a while — since 245 A.D. or so they say. Whether he came about in third-century Turkey or 19th-century poems, Santa’s chubby midsection hasn’t slowed down his midnight rounds much. So put out the cookies and cocoa (and don’t fear having a moderate amount yourself!), and enjoy the season.

Will Coggin is a senior research analyst at the Center for Consumer Freedom, a nonprofit coalition supported by restaurants, food companies and consumers to promote personal responsibility and protect consumer choices.