Coachspeak, cliches don’t fly with Barkley app

Tired of trying to decipher coachspeak and the countless cliches that athletes utter in postgame interviews? With the Charles Barkley Post Game Translator App, you can learn what players and coaches really are saying.

Well, at least you can on a commercial parody for the app that ran on "Saturday Night Live," which Barkley hosted.

When an unidentified coach said "I thought we played really hard," Barkley's translation was: "We sucked tonight."

Barkley also interpreted quotes by NFL coaches Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan and Mike Shanahan, as well as Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant and himself.

Belichick after a Patriots' win: "Try to start fast, finish strong. So we've done some of both, some of neither."

Barkley: "I got three Super Bowl rings. You guys don't know anything about football, but I got to talk to you."

Ryan after the Jets missed the playoffs: "I'm not a loser."

Barkley: "If you don't make the playoffs, you're a loser."

A sun-burned Shanahan after a Redskins loss: "It's tough to take for me, but I know how this works."

Barkley: "When I had John Elway, my face never got this red."

Bryant: "I wanted to come out and play hard today."

Barkley: "Listen, I'm gonna shoot it. You pass it to me, I'm gonna shoot it again. I ain't passing that ball today."

Barkley when he played for the Phoenix Suns: "God wants us to win the world championship. I talked to him the other night."

Barkley on Saturday: "My bad. I didn't realize God was wearing No. 23 for the Chicago Bulls."

■ BENCH BUDS -- Two fans wearing beards and winter hats were shown drinking beer on the Mavericks' bench Tuesday night during a live broadcast of Dallas' 100-86 win over the host Detroit Pistons.

The fans -- one wore sunglasses and the other a long gold chain -- were seated between Delonte West and Vince Carter, who appeared amused by their presence.

The Detroit announcers were stunned to see the fans pounding beers on the bench, but they weren't the least bit surprised when the fans entered the game for Dallas and lit up the lowly Pistons (2-8).

■ SAINT TEBOW'S SONG -- Count British musician John Parr among the people inspired by Tim Tebow.

Parr, who had a No. 1 hit with "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" in 1985, wrote new lyrics for the song focusing on the Denver Broncos quarterback for a version entitled "Tim Tebow's Fire."

The revised lyrics include: "You know I'm out there. Down on one knee. A prisoner. And you're tryin' to break free."

The chorus: "I can see a new horizon, blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher.

"Gonna be your man in motion. All I need's my Broncos team. Take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire."

Just once in his life, a man has his time, and Parr's time is now -- to try to cash in again on his one-hit wonder.

COMPILED BY TODD DEWEY
LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL