Will hell be hotter than Giselle?

Tom Brady is going to hell.

Well, at least that's what the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., has declared.

The fate of the New England Patriots quarterback apparently was sealed long before he shredded the Titans' secondary for five second-quarter touchdown passes in a 59-0 thrashing of Tennessee on Sunday.

No, Brady won't be damned for running up the score or for any possible role in the infamous Spygate scandal.

The church says he's headed to hell for having a child out of wedlock with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. That was a few years before he married hot supermodel Giselle Bundchen, who also is pregnant.

''Tom Brady has an unwed child, (although there's nothing wrong with having an unwed child) but it's okay because he wins Super Bowls,'' the church stated on its Web site, which has since crashed or was taken down.

''Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don't marry and do the right thing, don't take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it's okay because of who I am. How many of you dad's (sic) cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?''

Other athletes the church deemed deserving of eternal damnation include Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, former NFL safety Adam Archuleta, NBA players Marko Jaric and Joakim Noah, and NASCAR legend Richard Petty. Leinart and Archuleta also have fathered children out of wedlock, the latter with former Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott, now his fiancee.

Hasn't Archuleta endured enough? Not only was he cut by the Oakland Raiders last season, but he suffered the ultimate indignity last month, when he was released by the Las Vegas Locomotives of the United Football League.

Petty is on a highway to hell because his ''god is racing, not God Almighty,'' the church stated. ''He teaches that it is okay in life to cheat, just don't get caught doing it.''

Noah, whose name sounds heavenly enough, is hellbound simply because he has ''long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.''

Really? Ever see a portrait of Jesus Christ? He didn't exactly wear a crew cut.

• OCHO BAD CHECKO -- Even the former Chad Johnson knows Ocho Cinco translates to eight five in Spanish, not 85, his jersey number. But maybe the Bengals wide receiver isn't so bright after all.

While we're not familiar with the accepted practice of paying, ahem, escorts, one would think it would be wise to use cash, not a check. But that's how Ocho Cinco Inc. allegedly paid ''promotional model'' Courtney Collins in a check dated Sept. 21.

Collins claimed the check was bad and posted a photo of it on Twitter.

• DODGERS TIE NLCS -- Major League Baseball pulled its version of ''Dewey defeats Truman'' on Monday when it posted the headline ''Manny's grab, clutch hit help Dodgers tie NLCS'' on mlb.com shortly after the Phillies rallied with two out in the ninth inning for a 5-4 victory on a two-run double by Jimmy Rollins.

COMPILED BY TODD DEWEY LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL