Abusive mate, abusive son not worth time
What does one make of a guy who states/does the following:
I was told the next time I bring up a subject, he will slap my face. He told me that until my son moves out, he will be mean to me, will not be affectionate and will not have any relations with me. He never apologizes for the mean things he says. He did pick me up from behind after an argument and threw me on the ground. He did not help me up. We have been together for 10 years. My son has been difficult to handle and is finally starting to come around. He is 25 years of age. He was abused physically, mentally and verbally by his father -- who is a psychologist, by the way. My son says things to me like I am a (expletive), calls me a (expletive) and (expletive) and basically has a short fuse.
My son and this guy do not get along anymore. They used to get along in the beginning. Now they expect me to choose. I am getting punished by both sides and don't know which way to go anymore. Any insight you can share with me would be greatly appreciated.
-- Perplexed, Las Vegas
You are a woman being courted by two men. Each wants you as primary in his life, perhaps even exclusive. And, in many ways, they are the same man. Which is to say their courtship styles with you are virtually identical. That's probably the chief reason they don't like each other. That and they are dueling for the same woman's attention.
One man is your mate. The other man is your son. The former courts you actually; the latter, metaphorically. Toss in your description of your son's father, and you have quite the trifecta.
I have a fierce prejudice, Perplexed, about marriage/emotionally committed relationships. My prejudice is these relationships, by definition, are primary. They do not exclude other relationships with friends, family, colleagues, etc., but they make the claim of being primary.
Which is to say that a healthy mate would never say, "Choose between me and your (siblings, children, parents, friends, work)," yet, conversely, that same healthy mate would never stop saying, "If your siblings, children, parents, friends or profession should ever insist you choose between me and them, I expect you to choose me." This is the claim of "primary" in action.
The emphasis here is on a healthy mate.
Lots and lots of folks who choose second marriages and blended families negotiate, often unwittingly, the necessity of marriage being primary. While many divorced/widowed parents at some point desire a new union, it's as if they hedge the new commitment. The "vows" for the new relationship go something like "I commit all of myself to you ... except the part of me that is a mother/father." This never works. My private practice is perpetually jammed with second marriage couples stumbling and conflicting over the ambiguity these faux-commitments must imply.
But, back to courtship styles ...
Both of these men court you with contempt. Both men are violent, either verbally, physically, or verbally and physically. Both men, it seems, feel an abiding sense of entitlement to treat you this way. Both men can treat you this way, which is to say they are willing and allowed to treat you this way. It's an open question whether either of these men are particular fans of women.
Finally, to your question:
What do I make of a man who gets his needs met by threatening to slap you, throws you to the ground absent the good manners of then helping you back up, brokers sex and affection like a pouty 4-year-old takes his toys and goes home, and is never accountable for the ugly things he says? Uh, it's just a guess but, possibly you are describing a mean, small, little boy coward who bullies women and is not above domestic violence if he believes his woman really deserves it. As opposed to, say, men who believe in principle that no woman deserves domestic violence.
What blows my mind, of course, is the question you're not asking. With every respect, Perplexed ... why are you interested in spending quality time with either of these guys?
Originally published in View News, March 15, 2011.
