Anonymous reader tries to set record straight on men

Afew weeks ago, I published an answer to a reader who had just "uncovered a nightmare" on the computer. Her boyfriend is participating on multiple online dating sites, erotic Web cams and has cyber-girlfriends across the United States and in several foreign countries. You can catch up with this conversation at http://snurl.com/siz8y.

So then, Anonymous Reader weighed in:

Your advice to this poor, misguided 53-year-old unhappy woman bordered on malpractice. Without knowing both sides of the story, you pandered to what you felt most females would want to hear.

While I am a serial "cheat" and have been since I was a teenager, I can safely say that in my case I love my wife and would be devastated if we were to part. But I see no reason to deny who I am and try to change my nature for the sake of society's norms and mores.

We all wear a mask in life so we can keep our privacy, and this poor damaged woman invaded her boyfriend's privacy because of her own insecurity. If she had been truthful with herself, she knew what she would find before she even looked. My advice to her would be that you must embrace what you cannot change and learn to live with it because the next guy will not be any different. Prince Charming is only alive in fairy tales. While her man is a "cheater" that does not mean that he does not love her, need her and want her. It just means that he is flawed as we all are. They still can have a wonderful life together. Look at Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Got it!

-- Anonymous Reader

(Ahem.)

Dear V.A in Las Vegas: I owe you an apology. When I responded to your letter about your cyber-cheating boyfriend, it turns out that I was pandering to what females want to hear. This constitutes malpractice. I stand corrected. Let me try again:

V.A., a man's privacy is way more important than his integrity. The Wizard of Oz is the poster child, in fact, for this sterling quality in the modern masculine: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" V.A., if you love your man, the most important way to show him is to never peek behind the curtain. Always laud his mask. A woman's duty in relationship with her man is to be willingly conscripted in service to the only goal that matters: to wit, that no woman ever has his whole heart, ever knows him, ever sees him naked, ordinary and vulnerable.

A man's most precious dream is to die utterly alone, to get off this planet before anybody beholds him as he is. Again, if you love your man, you'll help him do this at all cost. Your self-respect is a small price to pay when compared to the much sought-after emptiness your man will experience if he can succeed in categorically dodging accountability, intimacy and authenticity for the remainder of his days.

In short, V.A., you were very naughty to snoop into his computer. A more secure woman would have simply presupposed her boyfriend to be a duplicitous, lying cheat, because, as I myself have recently been admonished, all men are like that. You must embrace what you cannot change and learn to live with it.

What are you embracing? We're not sure, us guys. Sometimes, we'll tell you we're just way too cool to deny who we are and change our nature for the sake of society's norms and mores. Other times, we'll tell you it just means we are flawed. But it doesn't matter. Just insert one of those arguments and get on about the job of embracing us.

By the way, V.A., your boyfriend loves you, needs you, wants you and would be devastated if you were to part. And don't you even start with questions about the quality of his love, the maturity of his need or the entitlement of his wants. Your only concern is to make sure you never devastate him, either by dumping him, or, worse, by holding up a mirror to him.

You and your boyfriend can have a wonderful life together. And, to that end, and to offer you some measure of recompense for my careless malpractice, I've arranged for you both to have an all-expenses-paid weekend at the Bill and Hillary Clinton Marriage Enrichment Center. No need to thank me. It's the least I can do.

The very least. Seriously, I thought long and hard, but I couldn't think of anything that was less than that.

(Disclaimer: Uh, on the off chance that it isn't obvious, the letter from Anonymous Reader is verbatim. I can't make this stuff up. My response is pure and utter satire.)

Originally published in View News, Oct. 27, 2009.