Children should be told the truth about absent parent

What message do you give your kids on Father's Day if Dad is not home? Maybe he's unknown, for kids adopted by a single mom. Maybe he's absent with no explanation, or because of domestic abuse or substance abuse. And then a teacher unknowingly has everyone make a Father's Day card ....

-- M.H., Hilo, Hawaii

In our modern day, replete with divorce, single parents and blended families, it's hard for me to imagine "a teacher unknowingly" leading the students in a group Father's Day exercise. Upon enrollment, I assume that any responsible teacher would be intentional about knowing the domestic circumstances of each student, then bringing an appropriate sensitivity to the question. More importantly, I assume that any single mother -- or father -- would be ever-intentional about keeping respective elementary teachers thus appraised.

To your question, however:

You tell your children the artful truth. The truth, shaped and spoken with great care.

What is the singular gift a parent can give a child, especially when that child has to navigate loss, suffering, moral failure, tragedy, or in some cases, evil? Answer: credibility. Resilient children are connected to the consistent truth delivered by competent, credible adults.

In the case of adoption by a single mom, credibility demands the child will know that the birth father is unknown. And the artful truth communicated to the child will be a story of a single mom who chose the child. Longed for the child. Came looking for the child. It will be a story of mutual redemption.

Obviously, if the child is adopted as an infant, this story will be told in stages, as the child has the maturity and ego-wherewithal to embrace respective pieces of the story.

"Who is my father?" the child will likely someday ask.

If the circumstances are unknown to the mother, the credible answer is, "I don't know anything about your birth father. I do know that some men aren't supposed to be fathers, or, sometimes a man just can't be. But I love you and I will always be here for you."

If the adoptive single mom does know the circumstances, then, again in appropriate stages, the story will unfold: "Your mother was pregnant, and her boyfriend abandoned her. She knew she wasn't ready to be a good mother. It was a beautiful thing she did, giving you to me." Or, perhaps the story will be a story of a miracle rescue as in the case of child abuse, neglect or abandonment.

On the other hand, perhaps this fatherless child lives with the unmarried birth mother, and the birth father is "absent with no explanation." Here, the credible message is to explain there is no explanation. To let the child see your own credible incredulity.

"Why doesn't Daddy ever come to see me?" a child might ask.

"I don't know," is the thoughtful answer. "I don't know why he walked away from the experience of knowing you. I know that he missed something really beautiful, and that's sad."

In some cases, a single mother can add to credibility with her own accountability: "The truth is I didn't do a very good job of picking your father. And you deserve a good father."

In the case of domestic abuse, substance abuse or other egregiously derelict life choices, a single mother will say at the appropriate time some version of, "The truth is, your father had a problem with (alcohol, drugs, gambling), and he just couldn't/wouldn't be a responsible father." Or, "Your father committed domestic violence, and I had to rescue both of us from him."

In the case of crime, a prison sentence, etc., a single mother will tell the truth, or, increasing pieces of the truth at age-appropriate stages: "Your father was convicted of (crime), and he (fled the country, went to prison)."

In the case of evil, a single mother will eventually say, "The truth is, your father wasn't a good person."

The last obligation of a single mother raising a fatherless child, then, is to seek, cultivate and nurture her child's quality relationships with quality men -- grandfathers, uncles, coaches, youth leaders, the father of the child's buddy and other available mentors. Perhaps someday a quality mate. The onus is on the single mother to introduce her fatherless child to an inner circle of good men.

Armed with the truth, a credible, devoted adult and men who can provide "compensatory fathering," a child can do the grieving that is his/hers to do. A grieving that will lead to freedom and wholeness.

Orginally published in View News, Feb. 1, 2011.