Danger lurks everywhere in Las Vegas!

Death everywhere, improving schools and Uncle Joe is coming back to Las Vegas! That can only mean it’s time for the Friday Slashback!

• Is it just me, or is Las Vegas turning into the zone of death? Whether it’s road-rage killings, cops shot in restaurants, cars flipping on Interstate 15 or shootings at the mall, it seems like modern Las Vegas is getting more dangerous and deadlier by the minute.

I know the FBI’s preliminary 2013 numbers say violent crimes have decreased in the United States overall by 5.4 percent. (In the West, violent crimes are down 3.7 percent, according to the Bureau’s preliminary numbers. Metro Police and Henderson reported drops in violent crime, although those crimes ticked up slightly in North Las Vegas and Reno.)

But just this week, an apparent gang-related shooting took place at the Fashion Show mall, a place where people normally only face assaults from the overly aggressive workers at those mid-mall kiosks who claim they want to “ask you a question” but really want to sell you hand lotion.

As if that wasn’t enough, a woman was shot in the chest at a 7-Eleven near Palace Station. North Las Vegas police shot and killed a man who had a fake gun. And a nine-car rollover brought traffic on Interstate 15 to a halt for hours on Wednesday; authorities found a deceased victim when they finally moved the rolled vehicle!

It’s enough to make one want to hole up in one’s home office with scotch, cigars and a well-appointed firearms collection. So while I load up the extra mags for the Sig Sauer and shop online for an up-armored original Hummer, why don’t you enjoy the rest of the Friday Slashback!

• When did right-wingers become such delicate little flowers? I had a little exchange on Twitter this week with some of the nice folks over at the Nevada Policy Research Institute, the right-wing think tank. Apparently, they took offense when I said NPRI was more like a political-action committee (PAC) than a legitimate 501(c)(3) think tank.

You would have thought I insulted their moms or something! They called my remark “vicious” and lamented the “name-calling.”

Really, is there anything more pathetic than the schoolyard bully running to the teacher to complain after somebody finally punches him in the nose? Listen, NPRI, if you’re going to be the guys who constantly inveigh against public-employee unions, government workers and those you consider “liberals,” that’s fine. But you can’t complain when somebody dishes it back. That’s just lame, and unbecoming of a PAC. Er, I mean, think tank.

• The list of goals for Clark County School District Superintendent Pat Skorkowski looks good — boosting the graduation rate to 82 percent by 2019, and increasing the number of third-graders reading at grade level from 59 percent to 80 percent. But am I wrong to think that we should be aiming higher and sooner? Like, having all kids reading by third grade by as soon as we can possibly make it happen, but for God’s sake sooner than five years from now?!

Hey, maybe NPRI has some ideas in their new report, “33 ways to improve Nevada education without spending more.” Hmm, let’s see here: Eliminate step increases for teachers after three years; eliminate teacher tenure; fire the bottom 5 percent of teachers; steal money from class-size reduction, full-day kindergarten and pre-school programs; stop paying prevailing wages for school construction; and, of course, vouchers. Yeah, no help there.

Hey, I know: How about devoting more money, more teacher attention and a longer school year to boost student improvement? That might just work.

If only there was a way to raise money for that effort. Hmmm.

• This is how it starts. The Governor’s Office of Economic Development and the South Point hotel-casino are partnering on a project that would see the hotel’s equestrian arena used to test indoor flying drones, or unmanned aerial vehicles, as they prefer to be called. The 4,600-seat arena would be used to test smaller drones, and is conveniently outside the jurisdiction of the FAA, since it’s indoors.

But you see what’s going on here, right? First, the drones learn to fly indoors. Then, because they’re always hanging around the arena, they learn a little bit about rodeo. Then, they’re participating in rodeo, roping calves and chasing greased pigs or doing whatever rodeo-like things they do in there. And then, they’re roping rodeo fans! And after that, they are perfect recruits for Skynet!

Nice going, Governor’s Office of Economic Development. Why don’t you just surrender to our new robot overlords now? And where’s NPRI to condemn the government when we really need them?

• Speaking of sci-fi, who’s with me for this?! Just $150 for a four-day pass to the annual Star Trek convention? It’s a bargain! Anybody? C’mon, people. You know you want to. Anyone?

• DO NOT SCREW with the Hefto-American community. Seriously. Don’t. We’re hungry. And we’ve got nothing to lose!

• Erin Bilbray’s campaign for Congress got the best news ever this week: Vice President Joe Biden is coming next week to campaign for her! Now, Biden may be known for making the occasional gaffe, but his charm and personality more than make up for his mistakes. And he can wow a crowd like few others. (Yes, Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz will be here Monday for a women’s town hall event that includes Bilbray, but with all due respect, Wasserman Schultz is no Uncle Joe!)

Now, some Negative Nellies are probably going to focus on the fact that Bilbray hasn’t raised a ton of money in her fight against well-funded Republican incumbent Rep. Joe Heck. (He’s got about $1 million more than she does.) And they’ll point out the fact that pundit Stu Rothenberg has downgraded Bilbray’s chances. And they’ll say that Bilbray has yet to really land a blow on Heck, despite criticizing him for the lack of immigration reform. But those ideas ignore the one salient fact here: Bilbray is bringing Biden back to town! And you can’t argue with Veepmania.

• Apparently, the Nevada Gaming Control Board actually means what it says. This comes as a surprise to some, but shouldn’t.

• Keystone Cops update: This week, we re-join the slow-motion implosion of Constable John Bonaventura’s career, already in progress. He’s already checked off most of the boxes on the Just Like Nixon! checklist: Recorded phone conversations laced with profanity that came back to bite him? Check! Unreported campaign contributions? Check! And now, we can add destroying evidence, after Bonaventura allegedly shredded the results of an internal investigation that found his chief deputy used official resources to look up porn actresses.

You really couldn’t make this up if you tried.

• Diversity of Voices/High Quality Journalism Update: So Brian Greenspun expounded upon his purchase of the Las Vegas Sun newspaper with a front-page column Sunday, distinguished not only for its self-congratulatory tone, but also for the fact that he totally throws his siblings into the woodchipper, Fargo-style! Here’s a taste:

“I cannot tell you how many emails, texts, phone calls and personal greetings I have received since it was announced this month that I had purchased the Greenspun Media Group from my siblings. All saying the same thing.

“What all of those well-wishers were really saying, I believe, is that the Las Vegas Sun — the newspaper my father started in 1950 and lived, breathed and slept with until the day he died — would continue to live now that it was in my hands and out of the control of people who had a different idea.

“Believe me, those good wishes were a welcome sign after too many years of fighting to save the newspaper I had grown up with and was committed to keeping alive no matter the cost. And, believe me again, while I am not allowed to discuss what I paid to make that deal happen, the cost was very dear.”

In other words: I totally saved the Sun from my heartless evil brother and sisters, who didn’t give a flying squirrel’s hindquarters for our father’s legacy or Las Vegas, and they made me pay dearly for the privilege!

Yes, nothing makes a parent’s heart swell with pride like seeing one sibling publicly attack the rest of his family. It’s really every parent’s dream.

• Oh, I almost forgot the Biggest News Ever for Las Vegas Since Ever: IKEA is going to open one of its furniture stores here in 2016. (Is it just me, or does that photo make Clark County Commissioners Susan Brager and Steve Sisolak look like people who just can’t figure out how to put IKEA furniture?)

That’s it for this week. Please try to stay safe! It’s dangerous out there!