Ensure claims against ex-husband are true before acting

I received a call from my ex-husband's former girlfriend. She informed me that he has developed an unhealthy obsession with pornography to the point of looking up illegal sites on the Internet.

My immediate reactions are to pull the children in and stop all contact. My oldest lives there full time. But it would place me in the wrong in the eyes of my children to cut off their contact without appropriate means behind my actions.

My children are rather computer savvy and it would not take much for them to find where he has been and get there through his searches.

Should I take them to family counseling to educate them on what is healthy curiosity and what is crossing the line? I pretty much want to sell my house and run away with my children to ensure their safety within my boundaries.

-- S.S., British Columbia 

I "get" your concern about kids and porn -- heavens, it's disastrous -- but there are other "political" concerns that should weigh heavily in this discussion. I'm using the word "politic" to mean the politics of navigating a post-marital relationship vis a parenting and co-parenting relationship.

If your children reported, for example, that their father was inviting them into his study once a week for "Family Porn Night," then we'd say to hell with politics and make a bold and decisive move to protect them. In some extreme cases, the "Don't Bash the Other Parent" rule simply doesn't apply.

But there are two critical questions: What do you know? And, what do you know that you know?

Well, you know what the former girlfriend has reported to you. Is she credible? Because, if you decide to intervene, you either need a very credible reason -- because your children are going to ask -- or you need to decide that the situation is so egregious that you don't care if your children decide their mother is The Bad Guy who won't let them see their father. Or you'll have to decide that the situation is so egregious you accept that your children will be terribly anxious, hurt and confused when their father keeps calling to protest his ex-girlfriend made it all up because she's disgruntled.

Let's say the girlfriend is telling the exact truth. Still, how do you know that you know your ex isn't keeping this ugly little habit very, very private? He wouldn't be the first parent to keep a porn habit, a promiscuous, recreational sex life, cigarettes, drinking behavior, etc., off the radar screen of minor children. Most parents indulge at least one private vice that they hope their children never discover. Some indulge criminal vices (e.g., marijuana use.)

Next, do you have the sort of working post-marital relationship with your ex where you can flat ask him? Granted, this would be itself a delicate politic: "Hey, my once-husband -- been looking at felony porn lately? And, if so, could you provide me some assurance that our children won't stumble across it? And, for that matter, that they won't soon be watching law enforcement agents walk their father out of the house in handcuffs?"

Went for irony there, but you get my point. Perhaps you want to take a stab at doing this directly: "Hey, so sorry to intrude on your privacy, but (former girlfriend) has passed along a troubling story to me, and we still have co-parenting to do ..."

Or, if your post-marital relationship can't handle "direct," then you could decide to manipulate him. You could say, "Can you tell me what sort of security and parental control your computer has protecting your private use of the computer? I worry about our children and porn sites ..." Keep it vague. Cryptic.

Should you take your children to family counseling to educate them? No. There is no logical segue. They will either feel like they've done something wrong that needs to be fixed, or that their mother is dodging something. This move would cost you your credibility. If you want to seek some individual sessions for support and strategizing, great. But, if your children need sex education, they should hear that initiated by you.

You can initiate direct conversations with your children re: the world of porn. You can say, "Hey, kids, the world of cyberspace comes with good and bad, and I have to ask ..."

From what you've written here, it does not sound to me like you have the evidence to make any unilateral, restricting moves without risking your own credibility in the eyes of your children.

Be strategic.

Originally published in View News, March 17, 2009.