Father seeks help for son’s tension with mother

I'm a divorced dad with a 14-year-old son, and just (went) through an almost six-year divorce and custody fight. At the end, (the) court agreed that all the false accusations and stalling were not the best for our son and found for myself, the plaintiff.

Our son has been in counseling for over three years. The ex has stated, in therapy, in front of our son and myself that she had no interest in working out the issues that our son has with her. Our family has been through three court-ordered evaluations and parenting classes. All through therapy he has been told to listen and respect his mom. There is a continuing tension and hostile attitude at her home toward him.

She continues to force him to attend her family functions and introduce him to the new paramour in her life.

My son posed a question to me that is the reason for this letter: "If my mom will not go to therapy and try and work out the issues that I have with her, then at what time do I stand up for my rights and feelings and say no to her demands that I go to family functions to get to know her family when she will not even help me get to a compromise on her helping me with my issues with her without being a disobedient son?" I want peace for my son.

-- Frustrated Dad

Las Vegas

I'm going to try to describe a "tightrope walk on a razor blade" for all divorced parents who are ready to date and hope someday to find a life partner.

On the one hand, you must never give your children the power to decide whether you date, whom you date, whether you fall in love, whether, when or whom you decide to marry.

Despite what children say and how they behave, they don't want this power. It's awful for them to have it. Of course, I say this with the assumption that a reasonably healthy divorced parent would never choose a mate who did not ardently respect and support the life of the parent, nor a mate who did not move with every intention and generosity to build a functioning, respectful relationship with the parent's child(ren).

On the other hand, it's simply wrong to expect children of divorce to turn on a dime with a "love me, love my dog" mentality about a new mate and the mate's extended family. Worse than wrong, it's disrespectful and damaging. It is a shocking, narcissistic abandonment of the fiduciary claim of a child on a parent.

Now, Frustrated Dad, here's your tightrope walk on a razor blade ...

On the one hand, you have an obligation to support his relationship with his mother, and thus never to alienate or undermine that relationship -- to keep your antipathy for the woman radically separate.

She's the only mother your son will ever have. It's your job to relentlessly encourage him in that relationship. Yes, to hear him vent, but always turn him then toward the work of nurturing and reconciling that relationship.

On the other hand, you owe your son credibility. This means acknowledging his right and just claims regarding his mother's behavior and attitude since the divorce, and affirming his feelings of frustration, anger and disappointment. It is a very delicate balance.

At 14 years of age, most family court judges would give serious weight to his opinions and desires regarding custody. It would be utter folly for the boy's mother to think that a custody agreement could force the boy into a thriving relationship with her.

But, if you move unilaterally not to abide by the custody agreement, arguing that in this way you are "supporting" your son, it will become an issue between you and the mother. This is a losing proposition for you. Your son is free, of course, to take his "rights and feelings" to court; but, sheesh, what a nightmare.

Unless the mother is clearly abusive or neglectful, there are real legal limits to how much freedom of choice you can afford your son. Tell him this. Then move to encourage him to grow in his relationship with his mother, of his own accord.

To become a man, all boys must eventually learn to tell their mothers "no." Their fathers, too. This would be true even if you were still in a thriving marriage with the mother. I'm saying you have an opportunity here to mentor your boy into manhood that has nothing to do with the marital history.

Originally published in View News, March 22, 2011.