Grown son needs to deal with anger at parents

I have endured an eight-year, on-and-off relationship with my adult son. He lived with his father and me until he was 26. Currently, he holds a senior-level position and has earned a graduate degree. He married (19 years ago) a woman six years his senior. He has told us virtually nothing about her.

About nine years ago, he began to drift away. Then, eight years ago, he stormed into our home with his then 9-year-old daughter and verbally abused me in front of her. I strongly objected to her presence during his tirade. His criticism centered around the fact that we were providing financial support to his sister, who has been in and out of drug rehab for many years. Our support for her has been more for her three minor children than for her. She is twice-divorced. We have provided substantial financial support for our son, as well, so he really has no valid complaint.

The past eight years have been filled with criticisms from him about everything we do. We were estranged from him for two years (2003-05). Since then, it has been an on-and-off relationship. I have not seen him since April, when he stormed out of our home.

When I have tried on several occasions to reconcile, his wife threw me out of their home and on another occasion, he threw me out of his office.

Ironically, he has visited my office and confronted me to the point where I had to leave out a side door for fear that my staff would overhear him.

I have begged him for respect, but he continues to criticize everything I do. (Now) he wants to get together with me. But I don't trust that he won't ambush me with more relentless criticisms.

My son has never personally apologized for mistreating me.

Finally, last week in a text message, he said that he was sorry.

I told him that I don't know if I can ever trust him again and that he must show me some kind of plan for rebuilding our shattered relationship.

I would appreciate any thoughts you would have concerning this ongoing saga. My husband feels that we should just move on and shut him out of our lives.

-- A.M., Las Vegas

What I'm about to say is ironic, because my profession frequently includes helping adults face and accept the reality of their childhood, especially those aspects of childhood that were neglectful, disrespectful or in some cases cruel and abusive. But ...

One unhappy outgrowth of a "psychologized culture" is the way I increasingly see some adults erupt, as if out of the blue, into strident, self-righteous antagonism and/or hostility toward one or both birth parents.

The eruption is disproportionate. Over the top. Not reasoned grievances, such as, "It wasn't easy listening to you and Papa fight when I was little," or, "You humiliated me when I began to struggle in school," or, "It was wrong of you to hit me with a belt."

No, it's more a presentation that says, "You might well be the worst person in the world and certainly the chief cause of everything wrong in my world!"

These eruptions often include fierce alliances with the spouse and the refusal to allow the shell-shocked parents to see their grandchildren.

I'm sorry to say, A.M., that I have heard this story before. It's a very sad and strange phenomenon.

I assume that healthy parents are always ready to account to their children. And, if required, to provide a humble audience for their now adult child's grief, hurt, anger or even appropriate outrage, when indeed some part of the parents' behavior was outrageous. But I equally assume that healthy people do not and will not indefinitely grant an audience to anyone merely to be pummeled, derided and scorned.

I'm saying your mistrust and alert caution speaks of health.

My thought? Well, he wants to see you. So, insist that the next meeting will be in the office of a skillful therapist, who will facilitate a meaningful -- if perhaps painful -- dialogue and guard the boundaries that will not allow either of you merely to be vilified.

Let me make the point dramatically: Even if it were true that you and/or your husband committed egregious sins against this boy, it would serve nothing and no one to allow him simply to beat you up. He must be responsible for his anger.

You already know you were an imperfect mother. But, like most of us parents, I suspect your sins were/are rather ordinary.

Originally published in View News, Nov. 16, 2010.