Happy future unlikely with man who leads double life

I am a 53-year-old woman, divorced for nine years. My ex-husband cheated on me and so did my former boyfriend. Do most men cheat? Is it a man's nature not to be monogamous?

Eleven months ago, I met a wonderful man. I openly discussed my broken heart and told him that I never wanted to get involved with a man who cheats. I opened my heart, decided to trust him and to risk again.

Two months ago, I uncovered a nightmare on his computer. My love is on at least six different dating Web sites, including an erotic Web cam sex-dating site. I also found out that he has at least a dozen girlfriends in several foreign countries and throughout the United States.

Why would he get involved with me in the first place if he wanted his freedom to date and be with other women? Why would he have me move in and live with him? Why would he introduce me and hold me out to his family and friends as his significant other?

Why would he hurt me like this and play me for a fool? I haven't discussed these findings with him because I'm afraid of telling him what I discovered. I don't know how he'll react to me if I told him what I found out on the computer.

In our conversations, I'm starting to gently ask some questions like, "Is it still OK with us, and is he happy in our relationship." He answers, "Yes."

My head is saying forget him but my heart is saying don't let go and stick it out.

I love this man and want this relationship to work. Do you think there's hope?

-- V.A., Las Vegas

Hope for you? Always.

Do most men cheat? Given the secretive nature of most affairs, it is very difficult to find an accurate answer. The most conservative estimates are that nearly one-third of all married individuals will be unfaithful at least once. I've seen estimates as high as 60 percent.

Yes, statistically speaking, men cheat more often than woman. More often cheat without emotional attachment, and more often cheat serially. But, as women have entered the workforce and become more financially independent, trust me, they are catching up.

No, not all men cheat.

Is it the nature of homosapiens to be monogamous? In strict biological terms, no. We're primates. Male primates are instinctively driven to make as many little primates as time and receptive females will allow. Female primates are instinctively driven to the strongest and healthiest males to make babies and for protection from leopards, etc.

But the difference between homosapiens and human beings is precisely that the latter understands him/herself to be more than the sum total of biological instincts.

I'm saying, no, it's not in our nature to be monogamous, but neither is it in our nature to restrain our anger and not murder each other.

The behavior you describe in your boyfriend is gross narcissism. A well-calculated double-life. No, he's not "looking for love." He's arranging his life to make certain that love is something he never has to truly risk, in the giving or the receiving. It's hard for me, really, to even describe this behavior as "cheating." It's more a collection of disturbing delusions.

Why would he court you, live with you and present the two of you to family and friends as a couple? Because the image of couplehood is psychologically necessary to him, though the substance of couplehood is clearly unbearable for him.

Why would he hurt you? If my guess is right, he possesses no felt motive to hurt you. In the tidy, compartmentalized world of his double-life, the two "lives" have nothing to do with each other. He reasons that what you don't know shouldn't ever have to hurt you. It's his own personal version of "What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."

Now the hard part ...

No, V.A., you did not meet a wonderful man. You met a deeply troubled man. And it concerns me that your deepest concern is not your self-respect; rather, your fear of his reaction upon learning he has been discovered.

I say this gently, V.A.: Examine in yourself how you could possibly want to be in a relationship with this kind of man.

Trust your head. Because, right now, your heart doesn't know what's good for you.

Originally published in View News, Oct. 6, 2009.