Instilling respect, not fear, best approach for parents

My adopted 12-year-old grandson was physically abused as a child. The therapists have trained his parents not to spank him, but to hold him when he has a tantrum, so he doesn't hurt himself. It is physically and emotionally exhausting for them, plus my grandson will be too strong before long.

My husband believes that the lack of consequences (fear of spanking) is causing this to go on, and he feels that the boy is manipulating his parents and the system. My grandson has threatened to kill himself and his parents at times. Do you have an opinion as to the right way to handle an abused child? Would appreciate your guidance.

-- N.P., Las Vegas

First off, there is simply no right way to handle an abused child, because abuse comes in so many forms, extremes and subtleties, and every abused child experiences the specific trauma differently, depending on factors such as age, health/strength of trusted adults, aftercare and intangibles such as resiliency and indomitability.

The identical abuse dealt to two children will never injure those children identically.

Having said that, I would tend to say that the "right way" to handle this child would be to stop using his abuse history as the guiding principle for disciplinary interventions. The best chance abused children have to heal and thrive comes from learning the self-respect that only competent social skills and self-control can provide.

I'm saying that I oppose corporal punishment, not because spanking previously abused children is bad, but because spanking itself is ill-advised.

The most generous thing I can say about corporal punishment is that it doesn't work. My opinion of corporal punishment deteriorates significantly after that.

Holding children who are having a tantrum is a parental intervention my teachers called "the container." I used it successfully on each of my three sons, up until about the age of 8 or 9. Beyond that, you are correct; "containers" become contraindicated because the sheer size of the child makes it less useful and even potentially provocative.

I'm not joking: Much into adolescence, if a youth cannot learn to subdue his own tantrums or physical threats to property, self or others, the "container" comes in the form of handcuffs, detention centers or ambulance gurneys.

It could be that your grandson is "manipulating the system." It's much more likely that he is getting his needs met in a system that isn't expecting enough from him and not responding effectively or consistently when he tests boundaries and limits or otherwise acts out.

I would encourage your husband to separate the idea of "disciplinary consequences" from "fear of spanking." I'm saying that instilling the fear that your caregivers might hit you isn't so much a disciplinary consequence as it is the instilling of fear. And respect is a better teacher than fear.

Now, your grandson's death threats and suicidal threats are another kettle of fish entirely! It's not OK to get what you need from your family by threatening to die or to kill. If I was working with this family, I would urge the parents to respond to these threats definitively and dramatically. If these threats persisted, I would want to refer this young man to an adolescent psychiatrist for thorough evaluation.

You say your grandson has therapists (plural). I would want to know if any of these therapists is specifically a family therapist, intervening systemically in the family hierarchy and dynamics. I would want to know how your grandson is performing academically, about the quality of his peer relationships, his sleep patterns, impulse control, etc.

In short, I don't think the boy needs to be spanked, but the parents might well need to broaden their repertoire of disciplinary responses. Have you encouraged them to be bold with the current therapists to this end?

Originally published in View News, May 19, 2009