Married couples get As for giving best

If you were going to construct a report card for couples, what would be the subjects you would grade them on?

-- M.R., Las Vegas

In my workshops for couples, I have a presentation titled Arenas of Intimacy. I identify five arenas wherein couples will either forge the trust and mutual respect necessary for intimacy ... or not. So, my report card begins there.

Money

The way a couple earns, budgets, accounts for, saves and spends money is never only about money. It is hugely symbolic of the relationship. Show me how a couple manages money, and I will accurately extrapolate from that the dynamics of the wider relationship.

Which is not to say there is only one way to manage money in a love relationship. There are myriad ways. But it is to say that trusting your beloved with money is almost always indicative of trusting him/her with your heart, your life and, conversely, that the refusal to enter into economic interdependence often bespeaks hesitation in the work of trust.

Money and money management also are symbolic of the respect forged in a great love relationship ... or its absence. If a husband or wife is chronically unemployed, underemployed, thriftless, naive, irresponsible with credit, surreptitious or dishonest regarding the movement of dollars and cents ... well, this does not bode well for respect.

Sex

Sex is tied with money for top two most powerful symbols in love relationships. Again, give me a snapshot of a couple's sexual courtship patterns -- frequency, quality, style, etc. -- and I will accurately extrapolate from that the wider dynamics of the relationship.

My grade for a couple here would emerge out of questions such as: Are you intentional about great sex? Do you make the time and space for it? Do you attend to the art of seduction? The dance? The chase? Are you attending to your own vitality? Do you communicate wants, needs and insecurities courageously and clearly? Can you give and receive? Can you say "no" to the many temptations to use sex as manipulation? As a weapon? Do you get that chronically withholding sex is flat out cruel?

Socialization/Recreation

Thriving couples know how to play! They are proud to be together in public. Each trusts the other in public to know how to act. While their social interpersonal styles might differ (for example, extroversion/introversion), together they negotiate shared circles of friends, hobbies, recreations and adventures. Part of the negotiation will include some percentage of socialization/recreation they enjoy separately.

Domestic Duty

Laundry, housecleaning, yardwork, domestic errands, home repair, auto maintenance, the norms for picking up after yourself -- the way couples negotiate and distribute the mundane chores of a working household will say a lot about trust and respect, and therefore about intimacy. When the distribution of work is not equitable and just, then a husband/wife begins to see the partner as practicing a contemptuous entitlement. Resentment is the inevitable outcome.

Child Rearing

Oh, to trust your partner with the life and well-being of your own blood! It's a breathtaking risk. And you know your partner will be making mistakes, because -- hopefully -- you know you will be making mistakes, too. And that's part of what you'll entrust to your partner: The right to come to you with sometimes critical feedback.

The lines of communication established by a mother and a father in a great love relationship will be open and constant. Neither party will surrender to the temptation to assume responsibility for the other's relationship with the child. Mothers don't explain/interpret Papa to the kids. Fathers don't aid and abet their child's dodge of the relationship with the mother. It's not possible for couples to always agree on child rearing, but it is possible to present a steady, united front to the children.

So, that's the Big Five. Arenas of Intimacy. And, in any of those arenas, I would say there is one subject about which I have a reputation for grading hard. My expectations are high, for myself and for my partner. I call it "kindness, generosity and solicitation."

There is simply no excuse to wake up in the morning and give to the world -- your work, etc. -- the best of you. Your cheeriest self. Your most solicitous and kind self. And then to trudge back home with the idea that it's your mate who must bear the brunt of your moodiness, irritability and fatigue. Great relationships aim every day at extending a heart of warmth, service and generosity to our mate.

Your beloved is first in line for the best of you. Not last.

Originally published in View News, Nov. 24, 2009.