Passive response to wife leads to misery

One afternoon last November, my wayward 30-year-old stepdaughter stuck her head in the door and announced, "Hi, I'm moving back in!" I didn't want to ask questions, figuring she had a falling out with the boyfriend she was living with, so I chose not to be nosy. My wife caught up with me later that day and said her daughter was moving back in. Again, I didn't want to appear nosy so I left it at that. I figured I'd find out sooner or later.

Several days later, my wife said her daughter would start paying to live with us in January. I knew she was employed and had been for several years at a local bank so I knew she had income. With the announcement that she'd start paying in January I guessed she had some financial problems so I figured, "OK, she needs time to get her finances together."

It was the last day of January before I found a money order on the kitchen counter for $50. I was shocked! She had lived with us before and the arrangement was $300 per month. I left the money order on the counter. Several days later, (my) wife announced, "She left your money on the counter." I replied, "Fifty dollars?" My wife said, "Well, she's having some financial problems so she's giving what she can. Reluctantly, I took the money order and cashed it. February came around and it was the same thing, $50.

She began staying up late into the night, sometimes 3 and 4 a.m. Arriving home from work one night at 1 a.m, I saw her lights on again so I knocked on her bedroom door and politely asked her to not stay up all night since it's costing me money. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and went back to reading. I stopped her and reminded her that I'm paying the bills. She got really crappy and I shouted, "That's insulting!" My wife stepped in and sided with her daughter and things have not been the same.

I have spoken to the sheriff's department about having this stepdaughter thrown out but I have to ask myself at what expense would it cost? I am perplexed that my wife doesn't have any consideration for my complaints.

-- R.C.

North Las Vegas

Let me not mince words, R.C.: You don't have an issue with your stepdaughter. This is not a blended family issue. This is a marital issue. This conflict casts a bright light on some dynamics in your marriage about which I have questions.

You are perplexed that your wife has no consideration for your complaints. What complaints, R.C.?

Listen carefully to your own language here. Your adult stepdaughter "announces" she's moving back in. She doesn't ask. She announces. Your wife doesn't come to you and begin a dialogue about the plausibility, necessity or prudence of taking the daughter in. The daughter announces it.

How and when did you become the house lackey, R.C.?

Not once, but twice you tell me "not appearing nosy" was, in a given exchange, your highest ranking value. Heaven forbid that, if you had come to your wife and said, "I couldn't help but notice that your daughter is moving boxes into our garage and hanging clothes in the guest room closet," your wife would have accused you of being nosy.

You figured you'd find out sooner or later. And apparently that was OK with you -- to wait until you found out. Do you hear the abject passivity in that, R.C.?

When you were shocked to find $50 on the counter, you didn't go directly to your wife and communicate your shock. Rather, you left the check on the counter like you were arranging a stage play. You pretended not to know about the check until your wife announced it to you. Then you feigned surprise and incredulity.

What's going on in this marriage, R.C.?

Sometimes married couples, over time, develop a communication style that is passive, indirect and inferential. This style of communication is not all bad. In certain contexts and proportions (courtship, lovemaking, playfulness), it can even be beautiful, powerful and dear.

But, when it comes to navigating and negotiating serious domestic issues, passive marital communications are, at best, not very useful. At worst, passive communications are a breeding ground for resentment, emotional erosion and increased conflict.

Good general rule: Decisions regarding the acquisition of roommates must be unanimously ratified by husband and wife prior to approval of said acquisition.

This will require talking.

Originally published in View News, Feb. 9, 2010.