Regrets of lost time no reason to disrupt child’s life

I just read your viewpoint in the Summerlin View, Jan. 27, about (asking a 5-year-old to choose between divorced parents). It hit pretty close to home. My husband has an 11-year-old from a previous marriage. No matter what age, a child of divorce should not intentionally be put in a position where (he or she is) worried about hurting a parent's feelings.

(The boy) was only 2 when his parents divorced. Since then, my husband has fought for as much time as possible and has ended up with the standard Wednesdays and every other weekend. Although we do believe in having a primary place of residency for a child of divorce, it breaks our hearts every time we send him back with his mom.

We are thinking of going to court to have the situation reversed. We know that (the boy) loves us and has fun with us, however, we realize he may come kicking and screaming because we would be taking him from a situation he is used to and because we are stricter as far as video games, homework, candy for breakfast, etc. My husband and I have just gone back and forth whether this would be the best thing for him. He has siblings on both sides. I'm worried about the shock of taking him from his mom and siblings, but would love for the relationships to grow on our side.

Please give us your opinion.

-- L.W., Las Vegas

Post-divorce child custody arrangements fall commonly into two models. There is the primary residence model, wherein children sleep, eat and live primarily in one house with one parent. For reasons of prejudice, the primary residence most often belongs to the mother. Then there is the two-residence model, wherein the children split time in what are essentially two lives, two homes and possibly two neighborhoods.

Both models make deals with the devil as it were.

In the primary residence model, the upside is domestic continuity for the children, which is convenient to say the least. But the downside stinks. There is no escaping that the nonresidence parent becomes in some part subordinated, no matter how heroically he or she battles to stay present, involved and connected. The nonresidence parent becomes the visitation parent. He or she visits the children. His or her children come to visit. That is, not live with you. This is a huge and consequential symbolic and actual shift in the relationship.

Only a nonresidence parent could possibly phrase the question. "What do you want to do while you're here?"

Here is the stark and uncomfortable truth: Children don't give a damn about quality time. That little bumper sticker was coined to assuage parents, not to describe a terrific child-rearing model. Children have very simple and concrete ways of looking at the world. To kids, parents fall into two types: there and not there. Present, reliable and accessible. Or not.

In the two-residence model, the upside is, for the children, a balanced continuity of relationship -- and formative influence -- with both parents. Ideally, the divorced partners continue in large degree to faithfully co-parent, so that rules and expectations are largely the same in both households. Ideally, the two homes are less than five miles apart, giving the children an opportunity to forge contiguous, neighborhood friendships with classmates and peers.

But, even in ideal situations, it is natural for separate households to develop separate subcultures. Separate rhythms. Separate identities. The downside, at minimum, is that children must adapt to a "If It's Tuesday, It Must Be Belgium" kind of life. Where did I wake up today? How is this family politic different from the other family politic?

I'm not sure what you mean when you say your husband "ended up with" the current custody arrangement. But, if I'm doing the math right, his son has lived out of the primary residence model for the past nine years, and is now 11 years old.

My opinion: I'm guessing any meaningful window of opportunity to fight for joint custody in court has long closed. I didn't say "legal window." Of course, you're free to go back and argue your case. I said "meaningful window." Meaning, an opportunity to communicate something significant to the son. It's that "kicking and screaming" thing that you mentioned.

Accept the relational losses of the past nine years and turn your attention instead to how you might strengthen your bond and increase your influence on a boy who stands on the threshold of adolescence. Summer trips, outings, extended work projects, domestic employment, alone time ventures with Dad, etc.

I don't see much to be gained at this juncture by forcing the issue in an attempt to redeem the regrets of the past nine years.

Originally published in View News, March 10, 2009.