‘Separateness’ in marriage may be matter of respect

She and I are seemingly perfect for each other. There is, however, something that irks me about her. I'm not sure if this is about me and an insecurity I have or an issue with her. She enjoys going out with friends and partying. She drinks a little while she's out. It's not a hobby of mine, so I don't usually accompany her. It's not a desire of mine to listen to terrible music and watch people drink. I don't resent her for it or make it an issue in the marriage, but it makes me uncomfortable. I don't trust the people around her not to take advantage of her, and I'm always worried that she'll come home with a story about some drunken kiss that "shouldn't be a big deal." Am I out of line?

-- G.B., Miami

An insecurity you have? Or an issue with her? Your question reads like both, actually.

Marital insecurity tends to break into two categories: anxiety about other people and anxiety about separateness.

You clearly have the first, though you wrap in a deft sleight of hand. To wit: It's not her you don't trust. It's other people. Other people might take advantage of her. Someone who is drunk might kiss her when she is drunk. And she wouldn't see it coming. She wouldn't know she was being kissed until it was too late. And then she would come home and say: "Sheesh, you can't believe the way some people take advantage of you when you're drunk. I'm a happily married woman who just wanted to let my hair down with friends. Next thing you know, this guy was kissing me. But it shouldn't be a big deal."

Come on, G.B.! Your wife is too strong and powerful and competent to be taken advantage of in a bar. If she kisses another man in a bar, it will be because she wants to kiss another man in a bar. And that, my man, will be a big deal. Huge deal.

But, also, some married people have anxiety about separateness -- not because they fear infidelity but because they fear separateness.

All thriving mates are, every day, negotiating the equation of "separateness and connectedness." When the relationship is thriving, the negotiations are nonverbal and even unconscious. Shall we make dinner together? Or shall I make dinner while you finish folding laundry in the other room? It just flows. It happens. When relationships are struggling, the negotiations need to be intentional. Out loud.

Great loves require both. Faithful partners are intentional about marital habits that nurture connectedness. Yet faithful partners are equally intentional about respecting healthy separateness.

The average mate finds the bulk of his "healthy separateness" by going to work. In addition, spouses sooner or later develop a few recreations or interests in which their mates doesn't participate. Golfing is her thing. Dart tournaments are his thing.

But mates sometimes request separateness in social circles. The occasional boys' night out or girls' night out. The dinner with the ol' high school buddy who is coming through town. The happy hour. Or, sometimes it's not a request but the simple consequence of your mate enjoying a social activity that you don't enjoy. For example: I'm a horror movie buff. My girlfriend has made it quite clear that I'll be pursuing that genre without her. So, I go with my middle son, Aaron, who clearly got the scary movie gene from me.

G.B., are you content with your marital equation of connectedness/separateness? Or do you have some negotiating to do with your wife? Or perhaps negotiating with yourself -- doing the work of personal development that allows for healthy separateness.

So far, these are issues with yourself. But, you might have one issue with her. An issue of respect.

Do you respect the frequency with which your wife "parties" and "drinks a little" and "listens to terrible music"?

Gotta tell you, if I started a social habit of going out to bars with friends every weekend, I'm pretty sure I'd hear about it from my mate. And her issue wouldn't be "me and other women." Her issue would be twofold. First, coupled people don't live like single people. They don't solicit or abide in "singles energy." I'm saying she would not feel like I was respecting the "us" of us in my behavior.

But, even more important, she would struggle to respect me. I'm 52 years old. Hanging out in bars and drinking every weekend is, well ... unbecoming.

Essentially she'd tell me to grow up.

Originally published in View News, July 6, 2010.