Younger boyfriend leaves woman with tough choices
I am having a huge issue in my relationship and for the first time in my life I have no idea what to do. I am 40 years old, and my boyfriend is 31. That may be part of the problem, but I'm leaning more toward maybe it is just the way he is, and nothing will change. I don't know if I am wasting my time and waiting for a change, or if I just need to accept that he is younger, and maybe this is the way a 31-year-old is.
I just can't help thinking that it's not the age that is the problem. I love him, but I don't want to put effort into something that isn't right for me. I am getting older and it's not that I need to be with anyone, but if I am with someone, I would much rather be working toward a loving, healthy relationship. Right now I feel like I am raising another child and teaching him things that even my 16-year-old already understands. I feel like an idiot. My heart is telling me to accept him, love him and be more like him. My mind is telling me to run like hell.
-- K.M., Las Vegas
To read your letter was like listening to the introductions of the opponents in a WWE Wrestlemania event. In this case, you have introduced at least nine separate competitors -- nine ideas -- squaring off for a wrestling match in your mind. In this corner ...
SIGNIFICANT AGE DIFFERENCES MATTER
Well, significant age differences do matter, and I'm always incredulous to meet people who swear that, "If two people love each other, then age doesn't matter."
Of course it matters. I didn't say these relationships never work; of course, some of them do! But the ones that work are the ones that take age differences seriously and can therefore face and work through the challenges significant age differences must invariably present.
JUST THE WAY HE IS
Ah, but maybe what you are seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with being 31 years old. Maybe it's just the way he is. If this is the case, then you have three choices: Accept him the way he is, make a claim that he get to work on who he is and make some changes, or leave.
IT'S JUST THE WAY HE IS, AND HE WON'T EVER CHANGE
Here there are only two choices: Surrender your expectations ... or leave. Because, you're right: If you conclude he can't/won't ever change, then you are wasting your time hoping or waiting for him to change, let alone trying to change him.
IT'S JUST THE WAY A 31-YEAR-OLD IS
This is a more optimistic view of your man. And, if this turns out to be true, then, yes, accepting him is your responsibility, because you are the one responsible for choosing a mate who is 31 years old. That is, it's not his fault he is 31 years old.
HE'S NOT EVEN AS MATURE AS AN AVERAGE 31-YEAR-OLD
Ooh, less optimistic. You're "teaching him things (your) 16-year-old already understands."
Again, then, you'd have to accept that, leave, or tell him in no uncertain terms to grow the hell up!
THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T RIGHT FOR ME
It's not uncommon for human beings to fall deeply in love only to discover that the relationship isn't right for them. Timing, destiny, values -- who knows? But it just doesn't work. Can't work. Limerance, in these cases, is irrelevant. Here you have two choices: Leave ... or betray your inner wisdom.
I'M AN IDIOT
This wrestler snuck in without proper credentials. Toss her. She's not worthy of this title bout.
You're not an idiot. You're just an everyday fool for love. Like all of us.
I SHOULD BE MORE LIKE HIM
Interesting idea. Are you suggesting the relationship would thrive if both of you were haplessly immature?
Or are you thinking you're too much the stodgy, rigid grownup who has forgotten how to laugh, play and flow?
I SHOULD RUN LIKE HELL
I'm guessing it's way too late to save your heart. So, instead of "running like hell," maybe you should run like heaven. That is, whichever way you run, it's toward your wholeness, integrity, and self-respect. When you get there, look up.
If he's still standing by your side, good for him! And good for you! If not, then good for him! And good for you!
Because, either way, you'll have won the most important race.
Originally published in View News, March 1, 2011.
