Great expectations build great relationships for life

Some folks invite me to talk to a group of therapists about adolescent risk prevention and family therapy with teens. So I do. Afterward, someone asks me about my background and training in this area, and I say what I always say. That, my academic efforts in this regard are not so important. I'm effective with adolescents chiefly because of two things: I actually respect them. Really I do. And, I never quit expecting a lot from them.

See, as a child-rearing culture, I argue we have stopped expecting much from adolescents. Yet, we still afford ourselves the right to complain bitterly about their burgeoning social and interpersonal incompetence, not to mention our fear of their destructive and self-destructive behavior. We can't have it both ways.

I ponder this on the flight home, not merely about young people, but about all important relationships. Consider this question: What is the most important thing you can contribute to close, thriving relationships? Relationships of all kinds. Best friends. Family members. Your children. Crucial co-workers and teammates. Your beloved. Now consider this answer: Never -- ever -- stop having high expectations of the people closest to you. It's simply the best thing you can do for someone.

But, you might say, isn't that selfish? Not remotely. It's more evidence of really good interpersonal boundaries. It lets people know that your participation in significant relationships is significant. That you are significant. A force with which to be reckoned.

Or, you might say, won't that put a lot of pressure on people? Well, maybe. Probably. Definitely, sometimes. But, so what? If an NFL quarterback comes to the sidelines with four seconds on the clock, fourth and goal for the game-winning touchdown, and his coach gives the play and says, "Go win this thing," the quarterback doesn't complain, "Geez, coach, that's a lot of pressure!" Nope. He gets paid to give his all under pressure. It's his job.

And, in great relationships, it's not so much pressure -- in the negative sense -- it's inspiration. You covet the high expectations of another, are flattered by those expectations, chiefly because it reminds you never to stop having high expectations of yourself.

But, you might say, isn't it more loving and spiritually enlightened to move in relationships without expectations? Not even close to loving and enlightened. And, honestly, I don't know where this distorted, pseudo-spiritual idea comes from. If you think about it, it's so obvious.

Imagine a husband saying to a wife, "Honey, I love you so much and am so enlightened I surrender all expectations." If you actually try to do this, you'll find that, to the extent you succeed, you also will have divested from the relationship. Nope, in great marriages, there is a clear and constant subtext: "I expect you not to have sex with other people ... I expect you not to be a substance abuser ... I expect you not to hit me or verbally abuse me ... I expect you not to be selfish or lazy ... I expect to be cherished and respected" ... etc.

Or, as comedian Paul Riser says in his book "Couplehood": "In the end, you marry the woman who won't let you get away with anything."

But, you might say, are you telling me that people close to you have to be perfect? Not at all. Imperfection is, indeed, just one of your many expectations. Or, as I used to say to Christian husbands and wives back in my days of priesting: "You married a sinner. And so did she." No surprise there. It just means that another immutable, high expectation that you have for your inner circle of relationships is that when -- not if -- these folks don't live up to expectations, then you expect them to look at themselves, to own the behavior, to account, and recommit themselves to more constancy and faithfulness in relationship.

People who have high expectations of important relationships are invariably people who have high expectations of themselves. That is, they won't ask anything from you which they are unwilling to offer. They walk their talk.

Perhaps you remain unconvinced that high expectations are crucial for close, thriving relationships. So, let me take one more shot, this time with pointed perspective:

If I ever say to you, "That's OK, I don't have any expectations of you," it won't be a compliment. It will mean I've given up.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.