Couples must have harmonious relationship to go house hunting

WASHINGTON -- If you and your spouse fight over the TV remote or can't agree on where to go to dinner, you may not want to shop for house together.

Take the couple that flew to Atlanta, Ga., for a weekend house-hunting trip. After two full days of looking, they had found only one that was worth a return visit. But he wasn't very impressed with that place and wanted to find temporary living quarters until they found a place they loved. She, on the other hand, wanted to move forward and make the one house work.

"The ride home from the second day of looking was very quiet," recalls their agent, Jeromy Trask of Harry Norman Realtors.

When Trask dropped them off at the hotel, the plan was for him to pick them up again at 9:30 a.m. the next day. But when the agent arrived at the appointed hour, only she was there, ready and refreshed for the day. "She indicated (her husband) was going to meet us at my office, which was only a short drive away," the agent says.

As Trask pulled into the office parking lot, the hubby was there, all right, but he was dressed in the clothes he had worn the previous day, unshaven "and obviously lacking sleep," the agent says.

"Not a word was said by anyone on the 20-minute ride to the house. The wife and I walked through the house as the husband fumed on the porch. He finally came in and moped around."

When the unhappy couple and their uneasy agent returned to the office, they wrote up an offer and ended up buying the house. It was only later that Trask found out the reluctant husband had spent the night in the couples' rental car in front of the Realtor's office.

The moral of this tale, says Trask, is simple: "When relocating to a new city, rent a comfortable car."

Or follow the advice of Beverly Hills, Calif., real-estate agent Connie De Groot, who has witnessed so many house-hunting couples all but come to blows that she decided to create a list of steps they should commit to if they want to have a successful shopping experience.

"I've seen people at their best, and I've seen them at their worst," the Coldwell Banker agent says. "It's a pretty emotional process, and the disagreements happen on both ends, buying and selling.

"I've had people who couldn't agree and got into such a big fight that they didn't buy anything. And I've had couples where one spouse wanted to sell and the other didn't, so the person did whatever he or she could to sabotage the transaction. Either he or she didn't like the buyer, or tried to get more than the buyer was offering to kill the deal."

If it's true that the mortgage-approval process is second only to the death of a loved one in terms of stress, then shopping for a house is probably third on the old strain-o-meter. But De Groot, a 40-something agent who worked her first open house when she was 15 -- her dad was an agent -- says her list of dos and don'ts can help ease the angst.

She gives her "how to" list to all her clients "because it works, especially for people with large egos and (for people who) have to be right all the time."

Here are De Groot's tips for protecting your relationship when buying a house:

-- Find out what you can afford: Visiting a lender first is "a really good starting point," she says. Not just because it lets the couple know how high they can go but it takes the pressure off the breadwinner.

"Let the lender become the bad guy," De Groot says. "Instead of the husband saying we can't afford it, it's the lender who's saying it."

-- Agree beforehand: Sit down, discuss and agree upon your top price, the three "must haves" both of you require, the geographic areas where both are open to living and a plan of action, such as what days you will go on your housing safari or whether one partner will preview properties first.

Also agree that if one spouse finds a home he or she likes, no offer will be written until the other person has been notified or seen it and liked it, too. "Searching alone is fine, but don't make any decisions without your mate," De Groot warns.

-- No fighting: It may seem obvious not to bicker in front of your agent or any involved third party. Not because it's embarrassing for everyone but because, from that point on, one or both buyers may be so humiliated that they will never again feel comfortable working with the agent or the seller. "This is about respect," she says.

It's also important to be "as neutral as possible" and "present a unified front" for negotiating purposes. You don't want to give away any information that can be used against you when haggling on the price.

-- Take a break: Establish a time and place where both of you can meet to discuss the homes you've seen, which you favor, terms of an offer and countless other matters. Not necessarily daily, unless you are in a rush, but most certainly weekly, and in a place where you are both comfortable -- say, in a coffee shop as opposed to his or her office.

During your discussion, go back over your list and revisit the things you thought were most important. You might find you can't have everything you want. "It's compromise, compromise, compromise -- on both sides," De Groot says.

-- Show some respect: Be kind if and when you dislike some of the things your mate likes. Otherwise, no one will feel safe sharing his or her feelings.

"This is an emotional process, not just for women but men, too. And it's particularly difficult for the primary breadwinner who feels the heaviness of the choices because that's the person who is going to have to carry most of the financial burden," the agent says.

-- Consider the fixes: If some repairs or remodeling will be necessary to make the house "work" for you, find out exactly what it will cost and how long it will take before you make an offer.

Doing your research ahead of time is "a biggie," De Groot says. "It usually costs 20 percent more than you think and takes 20 percent or more longer. If you're not ready for that, it could destroy your relationship."

-- Pick your agent carefully: Choose an agent you trust and feel can best represent both your interests. If one person has doubts, it could lead to second-guessing and problems.

"This is too important a process to leave one person out," De Groot explains. "The agent will practically become a member of your family. You will be discussing really personal things, one of which is money. And if you hit a rocky spot, you will be able to work through it if you trust the agent's advice."

-- Stay focused: The process is intense, so keep your eye on the prize. If a third-party inspection reveals some flaws, remember that the inspector is hired to find what's bad about the house, not what's good. So revisit the place's good points -- the open floor plan you always wanted, perhaps, or the great school district -- and weigh the good against the bad.

Remember, new or used, no house is perfect. So think positive.

-- There's no "I" in team: It's worth repeating -- everything needs to be mutual. It's what "we" want, not what "I" want.

"Don't try to pressure the other person into a situation or a house he or she doesn't feel entirely comfortable with," De Groot says. "Try to think of their needs and wants as much as your own. Act as one unit."

Lew Sichelman has been covering real estate for more than 30 years. He is a regular contributor to numerous shelter magazines and housing and housing finance industry publications.