Holiday CDs would make Santa toss cookies

It's official, Christmas has been canceled.

Sorry, kids.

No offense, Jesus.

But enough is enough. Every year around this time, a plague of yuletide locusts gets unleashed in the form of dozens of crappy holiday CDs that pack all the seasonal cheer of Santa using your Christmas stocking as an air sickness bag.

And so the drastic measure of putting the kabosh on the whole thing has been made.

I know, it's a pretty big decision, but as a guy who makes a living assessing Britney Spears' ability to chew gum and lip sync at the same time, clearly I have the authority to make it.

Hey, don't get mad at me, these are the folks who've really ruined Christmas:

Toby Keith, "A Toby Keith Classic Christmas Volumes One & Two": This one had the potential to be the single greatest musical collection of all time: country face-puncher Toby Keith delivering a patriotic smackdown to the holidays.

Yeah!

The expectations were high, as I was counting on some new yuletide classics like "White Christmas, Red Neck," "I'll Be Home for Christmas, in a Big Ass Ford Truck," "Frosty the Snowman (Was Melted By Flag Burnin' Liberals)," and "Please Come Home for Christmas -- In a Body Bag (Osama's Lament)."

Alas, it's just Keith warbling through a bunch of lame standards.

Way to let the terrorists win, Toby.

Olivia Newton-John, "Christmas Wish": Let's get physical! Physical-ly ill, that is.

Saccharine enough to make Amy Grant look like a Suicide Girl slamming shots of battery acid with Courtney Love in a Bangkok massage parlor, Newton-John suffocates with schmaltz, recruiting fellow stiffs Jim Brickman and Michael McDonald to serve as the arsenic in your eggnog.

Yo Yo Yo Kids, "Yo, It's Christmas": Like Nas vs. Jay-Z, 50 Cent vs. Ja Rule, Itchy vs. Scratchy, Kid Rock vs. sobriety, dignity, self-respect, waffle houses, etc., I've got serious beef with these "hip-hop tikes with mics."

Granted, it's a kid's record, but c'mon, let's bring some real rap flair to the holidays, which means fewer cuts like the mamby pamby "Trick Out the Tree" or "Sledding Song" in favor of more true-life tales, like the Snoop-approved "That's Not What I Wanted for Christmas, B@#$h," "Playa Hatin' Rudolph" and "Deep Cover (187 On An Undercover Elf)."

You know what they say, "The toyz in the 'hood are always hard ..."

Rick Springfield, "Christmas With You": Dude, I didn't even know Rick Springfield was still alive.

And after listening to this disc, I'm still not totally convinced.

In the grand pantheon of Stuff-That-Has-No-Clear-Reason-For-Being, a Christmas disc from this '80s has-been ranks right up there with the sock monkey, Scott Baio, North Dakota, last call and, uh, columns about Christmas albums.

Jason Bracelin's "Sounding Off" column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 383-0476 or e-mail him at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com.