Men and women have different reactions to flirtation

Q: If a woman says she trusts her man but gets in a snit every time he talks to or, heaven forbid, dances with another woman, isn't she contradicting herself? Why would a trusting person be jealous? I think a trusting, jealous person, man or woman, is an oxymoron, regardless of the reasons/excuses for such behavior. Am I being insensitive or am I just missing something obvious? -- D.F., location unknown

A: It depends, it depends, it depends. So many things I don't know here.

For example, with whom does the woman "get in a snit?" I've known plenty of women who sincerely trust their man, but still can be very reactive to a woman who flirts or otherwise displays too enthusiastic an interest. It is often with this "other woman" that our wife/girlfriend feels she still has a score to settle. How dare she! Who does she think she is?

I've got absolutely no hard research to back this up, but just from my anecdotal experience and work with hundreds of couples, I tell myself this is an observable, general difference between the genders. On average, when a man watches another man flirt or otherwise go gah-gah over his date, he's flattered. Oh sure, he wouldn't tolerate physical contact or open disrespect from his date, but within reasonable limits, the average man is proud and complimented to be with a woman who is so obviously desirable and desired by one or more men in a public setting.

Yet, when a woman watches another woman fawn over her date, it's battle stations, looking daggers, personal umbrage (at the woman) and a good scolding (for her man). And when her date asks what the problem is, she says (like she's making a point): "She has an agenda! She wants you!" And the guy says (like he's making a point): "So?"

Seriously, I know a lot of men who rather enjoy watching their mate enjoying an open, controlled flirtation. I know way fewer women who similarly enjoy this with their man.

I often tell men and women: Think about all the ways you are attracted and sexually attracted to your mate. Now, ask yourself, what's the likelihood that no other member of your gender will ever see and respond energetically to those same things? You don't really expect to monitor every thought and every motive of every opposite sex person your mate encounters, do you?

When a stranger comes on to your date/mate, you don't have an issue with the stranger. At all. Unless the stranger paws your mate, or is otherwise boorish. Then you alert the bouncer. And you only have an issue with your date/mate if you believe he/she is behaving in a way openly disrespectful to you and your current understanding of primacy and commitment. Either openly or covertly, all couples negotiate The Flirting Rules.

Now, if "the snit" is with you, a couple of things might be the case. Yes, it's possible you're dating a woman who is chronically insecure, and has an immature view of what constitutes security. To wit: She's convinced it's her job to secure her man's fidelity. Which is another way of saying that she takes responsibility for his fidelity. Which is an exhausting, unhappy and impossible way to live.

Or, it could be that, like some men I've known, you are willfully oblivious to ways your own insecurity seeks and requires inappropriate female attention. You feign innocence, you don't have affairs, but you are always cultivating, inviting, allowing breaches of decorum as it regards the practice of primacy with your mate.

Perhaps both parties would be willing to do some self-examination.

Lastly, let me say that not all jealousy is a bad thing. Jealousy means "vigilance to guard from loss." In thriving couples, there is the occasional appearance of a kind of ceremonial jealousy, and a way not of controlling or possessing, but of alerting our mate that we're paying attention, we're invested, we care enough to protest if the situation warrants. We'll at least ask.

Guy: "So-o-o ... the bartender wants you ..."

Woman (coy smile): "Mmmaaybee ..."

Guy (dramatically narrows eyes): "And, you're enjoying that?"

Woman (tosses head): "Mmmaaybee ..."

Guy: "I got my eye on you, girl."

And they grin, hug, smooch ... and go on about their evening.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grif and Doing the Right Thing" (Stevens Press). His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays,. Questions or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com