Pilot’s rant a show of boorishness, not ignorance

Perhaps you saw or heard the recent news item regarding a Southwest Airlines pilot who, on March 25, at cruising altitude, regrettably unaware that his microphone channel was open, broadcast to the world his ... his ... (looking for the right word here) ... his existential unhappiness regarding his particularly bad run of luck in his efforts to meet doable flight attendants.

"Doable." I'm quoting him.

He bemoans the disproportion of, I assume, undoable flight attendants, whom he calls "gays, grannies and grandes." He does inferentially identify a tweener population, as it were, with whom he'd be willing to have sex, but says, "I still wouldn't want anybody to know if I had banged 'em."

I can't make this stuff up. You can hear it for yourself on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFsU3MjS3i8.

Captain Bob -- Southwest won't reveal his name, so I named him Captain Bob -- was severely punished. He was suspended without pay. No surprise. But then the Powers That Be at Southwest Airlines gave him the maximum sentence. They threw the book at him. It was harsh.

Captain Bob was remanded to ... The Dreaded Diversity Training. Poor slob.

Teacher: Class in session! Captain Bob, when you go for a walk in the forest, do you notice that there's not just one kind of tree? That, in truth, there are many kinds of tree?

Bob: Why, yes, come to think of it.

Teacher: Well, the word we use for that phenomenon is "diversity."

Bob: Diii ... verzity. (Bob bites his lip thoughtfully, and nods.)

Teacher: Some of the trees are tall. Some are short. Some of them are very, very old. Some are very young. Some of the trees are waaaay big around! Others are skinny. Some trees stand strong. Others are wispy and glide with the wind. Some of the trees are male. Some are female. Some are ... kinda both.

Bob: Gay trees?

Teacher: More hermaphroditic, but I digress. Now ... in America, you are free to prefer to climb some trees more than you like climbing other trees. But you are not free to cut down a tree, just because you don't prefer to climb it.

Bob: Did I accidentally walk into a gardening class?

Teacher: It's an analogy, Bob.

Bob: A what?

Teacher: Nevermind. Let's go on. Now, when you go to work, have you noticed there is more than one kind of human being? That, in fact, human beings come in many different shapes and types?

Bob: Sounds like that "diversity" thing again!

Teacher: Gooood, Bob! (The teacher hands Bob diversely colored M&M's for positive reinforcement.) Yes! Diversity. Tall and short. Thin and not-as-thin. Young and old. Straight and gay. Now ... in America, you are free to prefer to have sex with some types of people more than other types of people, but, when at work or otherwise in mixed company, you are not free to cut down the people with whom you don't prefer to have sex, especially over the damn radio, you absolute cretin billy goat!!!

(The teacher puts Captain Bob in a headlock and gives him aggressive noogies.)

Captain Bob, now vigorously "trained" in diversity, was reinstated on June 22.

Maybe diversity training "works" after a manner. Like running a gauntlet. Like a hazing. But, as an academic discipline, diversity training makes about as much sense to me as the Surgeon General's warning on the side of a pack of cigarettes. It reminds me of my days as a priest, sitting in those church insurance mandated classes about preventing the sex abuse of minors in youth programs, etc. Uh-huh. Like pedophiles are going to attend those classes, raise their hand and say: "So ... dating the kids in the youth group is wrong? OK. Got it."

Trust me when I say that Captain Bob's problem is not ignorance. It's boorishness. Captain Bob is not stupid; rather, he is egregiously ill-mannered and painfully full of himself. You can't educate someone out of Captain Bob's predicament. He can only be converted. Until such conversion, common courtesy and social decorum rightly require that he keep his ugliness to himself. Or get fired.

Captain Bob doesn't need diversity training. He needs a good finishing school.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal. com.