Reasons for ‘coming forward’ don’t always make sense

Can I just say that I have lots and lots of questions about the emerging ethical fad we fondly call "coming forward"?

Let's say you're a woman who plans a trip to Las Vegas with a few girlfriends. You look up from your craps bet to find yourself standing next to Tiger Woods. Tiger comes on to you. You know he's married. But, still, it's Tiger Woods! Celebrity sex! Sex with someone powerful! You slam a few more drinks, just so, later, you can tell yourself you'd been drinking.

Several months later, you're back home. Back in your regular life. You turn on the television in time to see Tiger's car wrecked after running into a tree. You learn that Tiger's wife has chased him down that driveway with a golf club, because she has unhappy thoughts and feelings about Tiger's extramarital sex life.

Take, for example ... you.

Now, here's where you lose me. As you watch Tiger's marriage flaming out on national television, I would think you'd cringe, blush and say "ewwww." I would think you'd have every motivation to go to your grave with the secret that you had sex with Tiger Woods. OK, you'd eventually giggle over one too many glasses of happy hour wine with a few, very special women friends and feel the delicious taboo rush of naughtiness that is the very reason you chose clandestine sex with a celebrity in the first place. I mean, the experience wouldn't be complete without telling at least someone. But, beyond that, I would think you would then have every motivation to keep your sex life private.

Notice I didn't say "would have the class and decency" to keep it private, though I admit that would be refreshing. No, I would think that healthy shame, by itself, would be force enough to stash this event in the closet of Sordid (but, secretly, lots of fun) Things I have Done.

But, no. You decide to "come forward." You notice that 13 other women already have come forward. Oddly, these women don't horrify you. No, you tell the reporters they "gave you the courage" to come forward. Courage? Is that the dynamic at work here?

I think the dynamic is more envy. We are drawn to people with power, but we simultaneously envy the power they have. We love celebrities ... and we love to humiliate them, too.

Ginger White has come forward to tell us she had an affair with Herman Cain. I saw the interview. Ginger said she didn't want to come forward. She wants me to know she felt forced to come forward, but I would tell her I don't understand what forces are actually forcing her. She says, "I wanted to give my side before it was thrown out there and made to be something filthy," completely missing the irony that the adjective "filthy" is an independent variable from the identity of the particular exhibitionist who opens his/her raincoat for me, or someone else's raincoat.

Herman Cain, for his part, says, "I have never acted inappropriately with anyone," which, if true, would make him the only person since the beginning of time who has never acted inappropriately with anyone. Which is to say it's not true. So Herman is either delusional, or he's having us on.

Here is a suggested guideline for the responsible use of "coming forward": Learn the differences regarding evil, crime and sin.

All evil includes sin, but not all sin is evil. Crime most often includes sin, but not all sin is criminal. And, occasionally, it's a sin not to commit a crime.

If you know of an evil, then come forward. We have no higher moral duty than to not participate in evil through complicit silence. Evil should be named, no matter the cost to oneself.

If you know of a crime, then call the police.

But if all you know is that some ordinary human is ordinarily broken in ordinary human weakness, and you decided of your own accord to bring your ordinary brokenness and ordinary weakness to have a romp with that person, then tell me again: What exactly are you doing on my television?

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays.
Contact him at 227-4165 or
skalas@reviewjournal.com.