Stay-at-home moms have plenty of ‘real work’

I just got back from visiting my daughter and her family, and even though she knew I was returning to an entire evening of grading quizzes and papers -- that some fool English teacher had the stupidity to assign before realizing that the grading fairy was just a myth -- and an entire week of trying to catch the runaway train that is high school English, involving days that begin at 6 a.m. and end at 8 p.m. -- simply because by that time you've gone blind from reading and could only grade another paper if it's in braille -- when you collapse into bed only to start over the next day, leaving dishes in the sink, laundry in the dryer, beds unmade, and usually having cereal for dinner. Still, as she stood in the doorway holding the baby, the other two little ones pawing at her about something or other, knowing her husband would return to work tomorrow, she looked at me somewhat wistfully as I drove away. (And I, who adore my grandchildren to the point of insanity, was somewhat relieved.) I remember when my face looked just like hers.

I was divorced when my daughter and son were 19 months, and 7 weeks old respectively, and let me tell you, I remember watching my parents leave after they'd been over for a visit, during which I'd been able to take my first shower in three days, wash dishes that had been piling up for so long there were some at the bottom that I forgot we owned, throw two loads of laundry in, cook rather than microwave our dinner, and rake all the toys from the living room floor. And, I stood in the doorway, both children in my arms, and watched them wistfully, too.

My son-in-law took a few days off last week to spend some time with his family. When we had a moment alone last night, I asked him how he felt about going back to work tomorrow, and his face lit up like a man who has almost finished crossing the desert, knowing there's a huge pool of cold, fresh water awaiting him.

In fact, he told me that if he's offered a position with the firm he's thinking of joining, but he doesn't have to start for a few weeks, he would offer to give up half his salary if they'd let him come in and hang around anyway, so he wouldn't have to stay home with the family any more! (On the other hand, he now thinks his wife should be canonized, and is writing to the pope!)

I smiled. Yeah, it's easy to say a woman who is first and foremost a wife, mother and homemaker "doesn't work." It's easy to say, "It must be nice to stay home and just play with the kids all day." It's easy to say that what you're doing at your office or business must be the hardest job in the world, and that your wife/friend/mother is "lucky that they don't have to go out and earn money." Sure, all those things are easy to say ... they're just stupid.

(It's like saying it must be nice to be a teacher and "get paid an enormous salary -- please, as the saying goes, I have more than enough money to buy whatever I want for the rest of my life, as long as I die by 4:30 -- for days that end at 3 p.m., with the whole summer off." But, again ... stupid.)

Because there is nothing, my friend, that is harder in this world than staying at home while you, Mr. Mister, go off in your car/bus/train/plane to do your work, most likely in a fairly quiet, air-conditioned building, where you can speak actual grown-up words with actual grown-ups, no one needs his diaper changed, you don't have to cut anyone's hotdog, you can read today's newspaper today and there is very little chance of being spit-up on.

They say that teaching is the profession that creates all others. I would add that a professional mother creates even a teacher. (Actually, I think everyone ought to write that down, it is so profound ... or, I've been grading papers for so long tonight that I'm sort of drunk with exhaustion ... but either way, it's a keeper!) My mother used to tell me, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world," so don't tell me stay-at-home moms have it easy, with pressure like that riding on their shoulders! And, she stayed at home to raise five children while Dad was off doing the "real job." On the other hand, look how I turned out. So, you tell me: Who had the harder work? My God, I wonder where I can find the pope's address?

Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at vwentz@mindspring.com.