Tax time trying, no matter what you do

Yes, my friends, it's April 10, five days before the government that should neither giveth nor taketh, will do botheth. That is, mostly they will taketh, but to those who get a refund, it feels more like giveth, even though it's really not givething, because it's those people's money to begin with, so it's just the government giving a little of it back, am I right? (It's exhausting just reading that sentence -- think how hard it was to write it.)

Anyway, let's not get into that. My blood pressure is verging on dangerously high, and thinking about my hard-earned money being takethed away from me could bring on the end, although I don't think I could afford to die, because it now costs more than living, doesn't it? I mean, estate taxes, death taxes, inheritance taxes, probate fees, and then there's the giant stone shrine I'll want erected for me somewhere on a mountaintop. This is all quite prohibitive, so I need to be careful when discussing the administration and the government ... or, as I like to call them, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, but as I say, let's not get into that.

So, this year I decided to do my taxes on TurboTax. My son-in-law does it every year, and he said it was a piece of cake, costs very little and you can be finished in an hour. (My son-in-law is an investment counselor at a big-deal bank, so his "hour" equals my day-and-a-half, but who's counting?)

Join me on my TurboTax adventure, won't you?

First, they ask you what package you'd like to purchase. There's the most basic one, if you just need to do a 1040EZ, get a quick refund and scram -- this one is free. My eyes naturally gravitated to the F word, but somehow, somewhere, I made a few investments, started a couple of retirement accounts, and someone forced a K-1 on me (don't ask me what a K-1 is because I don't know what it is, I will never know what it is, except something that forces you into doing a more complicated tax return. I think it stinks. I'd like to give it back, but I don't know how!)

Then, there are the Deluxe, the Premier, the Home&Business and the Business packages. Each of these costs a little more than the previous one, but not by much. I choose the Deluxe for $29, plus the state return for $37, plus I want a "tax professional" to look over my return and make sure it's copacetic before I submit it, which I'm sure it will be, why wouldn't it?!

Next, they want your personal information, and since "Becky" and "Chad," who take orders for AT&T service somewhere in Tibet, know all my personal information, why not share it with TurboTax? After that, it's down to business.

" Do you have a W-2?"

Yes

"OK, enter the totals from each of these boxes."

No sweat.

"Now, do you have any other income?"

Uh ... no ... not really.

"Yes, you do."

" You're holding it behind your back."

I am not!

"Look, we're not going to get anywhere if you aren't honest with us."

I have no idea what you're talking about!

"We know you write a column, and we know you get paid, so you might as well come clean."

Who told you I write a column?

"Becky and Chad."

Swine Tibetan telephone jockeys!!

" Calm down. We also know about your blood pressure. Now, please enter your column-writing income in the following boxes."

Fine.

"Wow, is that all you get? We see why you didn't want to enter it."

Shut up.

"Now, do you have a home office?"

I guess so. Why?

"Because now you have to enter all the information for the home office, plus your employees and what you pay them, and whether you're a corporation or an LLC, and if you have supplies to buy, or office equipment to maintain ..."

Forget it! I don't have a home office!

"You just said you did. No take-backsies!"

Listen, I really don't have a home office, I swear, I was just saying that because you asked me, and I have a psychotic need to please. I only have a laptop, and I write wherever I can, usually at school while my students are taking English quizzes, which reminds me, can I deduct my students as dependents? Because they really are a dependent bunch of yutzes, honest to G--

"Sorry, we've encountered a problem and need to close the website. Try again later."

Wait! Come back! I'll itemize! Don't leave me! (Tiny expletive!) ... I think I'll give my son-in-law a call ... you know, just to say hi.

Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at vwentz@mindspring.com.