Time to take a bite out of our entitlements

OK, so the world's going in the tank, apparently. Well, not the whole world, just our particular country. And, particularly my specific corner of our country, I'm sure, because that's just typical ... not that your corner is automatically better, but I'll bet it is, simply because it's not my corner.

I'm watching the congressional debt debate. Which congressional debt debate, you ask, and well you should, because this is officially congressional debt debate No. 386, and that's just since last week!

And, none of them make any sense to the typical man-on-the-street interviewee, who doesn't know who Joe Biden is -- "Was he on 'Dancing with the Stars'?" -- but was mad as hell about the NFL lockout.

So, here it is in a nutshell:

1. "We" (and by "we" I mean not me) have been spending not just like drunken sailors, but like sailors who are so drunk they've developed alcohol poisoning, have been rushed to the hospital, pronounced dead, brought back to life, and been sent to a rehab clinic, but as they're rolled outside on the stretcher, with their last remaining brain cell they fling their arm out, grab a bottle right out of a wino's hand and drain every last drop. ... That's the kind of spending "we" have been doing.

2. Most of our spending has gone to fund programs to help people ... again, "people" meaning not me ... and now folks are hooked on those programs and are clutching them like a toddler bites down on his pacifier so Mommy can't take it out of his mouth, even for the Christmas picture! We call these "entitlement" programs.

3. These "entitlements" comprise 62 percent of our budget, national defense is about 20 percent, paying our debt is about 6 percent, and that leaves approximately 12 percent for all other government programs or agencies, most of which, in my humble opinion, should be dropped off a cliff anyway, but whatever, nobody asked me.

4. So, let's pretend we're a typical American family sitting around the dinner table at a "family meeting," talking about Dad losing his job as chief executive officer of a newspaper company and getting a new job as a delivery boy. Say his income has dropped from like a zillion a year to $40,000. (And, Mom's income, from raising rabbits part time, brings in about $10,000.) And there are no other jobs on the horizon.

While he made the zillion, they started a college fund for each of their five children; they've taken huge vacations; they've bought an oceanfront mansion on a cliff in Maine, where it's like never hot, and you can eat lobster every single day at every single meal if you want to! ... (ahem) ... Sorry, carried away. They have a private plane, a yacht named, well, let's just call it The Victoria, and they drive BMWs. Each child already has a car of his/her own, or has been promised one, and the kids go to private schools.

Now, the family income is about $50,000. But, the family expenditures -- if they continue to live this lifestyle, which, please, who wouldn't -- are about $100,000. This means ... got a pencil? ... the family is $50,000 short!

For a while, the father borrows that $50,000 from China, a country he respects for its awesome economy, not to mention its mu shu pork. But, this just results in mounting debt with huge interest rates, because making mu shu pork ain't cheap.

Hence: family meeting ... just like in Congress! But, the kids freak and whine and plead and demand and refuse to cut anything. Dad shows them the chart -- 62 percent of their income is spent on mansion payments, cars, boats, planes, vacations and private schools; 20 percent is spent on college funds, health insurance and emergency savings; 6 percent goes straight to China; that leaves 12 percent for food, clothing ... and Mom's shoes, which are non-negotiable.

They need to cut their spending or they need to "raise taxes" on the kids, who are now baby-sitting, cutting neighbors' lawns and selling lemonade as hard as their little behinds can or they need to ask China for more money.

So, is this rocket science? I mean, sure, the oldest two kids could bring in more money, but they're trying to contribute to their own college funds, too, and even if they gave every penny of their money to Mom and Dad, there still wouldn't be enough to get the family through another six months. And, at some point, China is going to show up at your front door with Mr. Fore and Ms. Closure.

Hmmm. Think we can do without just a little of what we thought we were entitled to? Yeah ... I think we can.

Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at v.wentz@yahoo.com.