Transparency strengthens couples’ commitment

My heart breaks for Sandra Bullock. Oh, sure, sordid stories of adultery in celebrity marriages are almost cliche in these modern times. But there was something about the way this one came down. Sandra stood on a national stage at the Academy Awards, clutching the award for best actress, and she remembered to honor and thank her mate. "You've always got my back," she said.

And mere days later, again on a national stage, Sandra was informed that her mate had no one's back. Especially not hers.

And people in committed relationships say to me: "I never, ever want to feel the pain of that kind of calculated, savage betrayal." And I say, "Then never, ever give your whole heart and trust to anyone."

See, there's no way around the risk.

Yet, there is a value that couples can share, a discipline they can faithfully practice. It pre-empts anxiety and insecurity. It honors the sacred trust that makes great love possible. It is a gift partners give themselves and each other. I teach couples to practice transparency.

Transparency is more than being able to credibly answer any question your mate might have; transparency "answers" most of the questions before they can be asked.

Transparency is keeping our mate apprised of our comings and goings. In general terms, our mate always knows where we are, something of what we're doing, who we're hanging with. No, we don't call our mate every time we pull into a convenience store for gasoline and a soda. But, every day, he/she knows the basics of our schedule and our activities, including unscheduled changes that alter those activities.

Transparency informs our mate of extended times of unavailability. Times when work or social events will mean that we won't be in contact for extended lengths of time.

Transparency means that we have no friendships -- same sex or opposite -- that are not disclosed to our mate. And we have no friends of either gender who are unaware we are in a committed relationship. And we do not nurture friendships with people who do not support and champion the health of our committed relationship. We don't spend time with people who would undermine our faithfulness.

Exes are a special case. If, because of work, co-parenting obligations or personal choice, we maintain a connection to former lovers, we are especially forthright about our contact and communications with these people. And if/when exes persist in disrespecting our committed relationship, we are both transparent and swift to set decisive boundaries or sever ties altogether. We are clear that our nostalgia and fondness of times gone by is never worth causing our mate anxiety or leaving our mate to wonder what's going on.

Thriving couples have a deep respect for privacy. But privacy is never to be confused with "hiding things." When we find ourselves hiding things from our mate -- money, personal activities, friendships, exes, contacts with family -- this should alert you to breakdowns in commitment. When we say, "But, it will just upset my mate," we're on dicey ground. Discretion, yes. Hiding, no.

Some couples include in transparency sharing passwords to e-mail accounts. If nothing else, it's a convenience. It's nice, when you're not near a computer, to be able to call her and ask her to look up your flight number and departure time. But the larger part is the value of transparency: We have nothing to hide. Nothing. Of course, our partner wouldn't get into our e-mail, without giving us the respect of asking. But neither do we take security measures to prevent our partner from doing so.

Just try nurturing an addiction in the context of a committed relationship and being transparent at the same time. Nope. We have to choose.

Transparency is not a jealous monitoring, but a forthrightness that makes jealous monitoring unnecessary.

Transparency is a sublime gift given freely to our mate, a gift that says: "While only you can ultimately decide whether to take the risk of trusting your whole heart to me, I want you to feel secure. I would be distressed to ever leave you with a shred of unnecessary doubt. And I will live in such a way that you should never have to wonder about who I am or to doubt that it is you, and only you, whom I have chosen."

Every committed partner eventually succumbs to the temptation to dodge transparency. But, when we do, we move quickly to be transparent about that which we have been opaque.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.