Honest John offers cost-saving suggestions for cash-strapped Silver State

It's another beautiful day at Honest John's Used Car Sales, but today we're not cutting you the hottest deals on the hottest wheels.

No, my friends, today we're using our car-sales acumen to come up with big ideas to balance Nevada's budget without raising taxes or offending the delicate sensibilities of the state's billionaire elite. Let's be fair, amigos: Just because the casino, gold mining, development, and banking industries grab most of the gold in the Silver State is no reason to go looking for money from them in a time of crisis.

So when you're searching for ways to offset a $1.2 billion shortfall, don't stare like some orphan from a Dickens novel at our Forbes fraternity brothers. And don't point out the minor fact gold is selling at near-record highs.

Instead, look at the real culprits in this time of crisis: schoolteachers greedily clinging to the hope of collecting promised 4 percent cost-of-living allowances. Talk about the audacity of hope.

After finding creative ways to cut more than $900 million, Gov. Jim Gibbons has called for a special session of the Legislature to find the rest and, just possibly, to share the burden of governing. If Nevada history holds true, bottom-line Jim will win the day by reminding skeptics that the answer to all our problems is to slash, slash, slash.

People, places, and programs -- everything must go!

Let's start with public education, where in recent years some dizzy dreamers have debated over whether children benefit more from full-day or half-day kindergarten.

Full day? That's too much.

Half day? That's too much.

Here at Honest John's we offer kindergarten every other Thursday.

And if the tots only memorize their numbers from 1 to 6 and their alphabet from A to G, well, there's always first grade to iron out the petty details.

If you like my kindergarten idea, wait until you hear the details of my drive-through high school plan. It's sponsored by Burger King.

Then there's public safety to consider. That means some belt tightening at the Nevada Highway Patrol, where we've come up with a cost-savings plan: Cardboard cruisers on the roadside from Searchlight to Jackpot.

They won't fool all the people, and response time to fatal accidents on the interstate will dramatically increase, but just think of all the money NHP will save on fuel.

Next stop: the Department of Motor Vehicles, where a focus on customer service has improved efficiency and drastically decreased the amount of time folks must wait for their numbers to be called. But that's not good enough during our fiscal crisis.

To generate a little more scratch from the DMV, the answer is simple: Sell the lowest numbers to the highest bidders. The haves can buy their way to the front of the line. The have-nots must wait until closing time.

Then there are the many potential endorsements Nevada misses by failing to market itself and seize the moment. Take the little-used Governor's Mansion. Sure, it has some historical value, but it will generate more revenue as a Holiday Inn. I hear the free continental breakfasts are mighty tasty.

Just keep your voices down after 10 p.m. The first lady is sleeping in the guesthouse.

And you'll love the new motto on Nevada's official state seal: "Battle Born -- and Brought to You By Station Casinos."

Just think: "The DMV, brought to you by All-State. Are you in good hands?"

Or how about: "The Nevada Legislature, sponsored by MGM Grand. A little lion is our mascot, but it's what they do best."

Yes, creative cost-cutting and corporate sponsorships are the wave of the future in economically strapped Nevada.

Although I find it hard to believe, it's possible some of you will disagree with my suggested cuts and cost-saving measures. A few of you may think the whole idea of integrating corporate sponsorship in government is crass.

Some of you may even try to remind me that deep budget cuts to Spartan programs designed to assist at-risk children, the poor, elderly, mentally ill, and physically disabled, even in a time of fiscal crisis, can have devastating effects that reverberate long after the economic crisis has ended.

To that depressing reality, Honest John has one reply:

Hey, pal, you try finding a corporate sponsor for the poor.

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295.