Lewis still driven when it comes to telethon

Jerry Lewis scoots forward on his big, comfy chair to place a lemon drop candy in the mouth of his Chihuahua -- "my son," he calls him.

"That's Pauly-boy! A-ha!" Lewis says, laughing the way you know Jerry Lewis laughs. "He's a Jewhuahua. ... He and I are really special."

Pauly looks adoringly at Lewis, 82, from his perch backstage at South Point hotel, where scads of workers prepare to broadcast the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. (It's airing right now on KTNV-TV, Channel 13.)

For most of an hour with me, the longtime Las Vegas comedy legend speaks openly and in great spirits about everything I bring up.

• He says he wishes the government would approve real stem cell research to help Jerry's Kids.

• He announces he will perform in Australia soon.

• He thinks politicians should pass an 18-month construction ban because Vegas is an overcrowded hodgepodge that's getting "dirtier and dustier."

• And he proclaims he does not want a funeral to follow his death.

But more than anything else, he wants to talk about the telethon. This is his 58th year raising millions for MDA. All year long, he meets with CEOs of sponsor companies, oversees staff and attends technical and production meetings. This weekend is the big payoff.

Q&A WITH JERRY LEWIS

Question: Is it easier or harder to run MDA than it used to be?

Jerry: It's ALWAYS hard ... but 58 years is nothing compared to what it's gonna feel like when they give me a cure.

Question: Which should be any day now?

Jerry: I'm praying. ... I keep yelling; every time I get the research people together, I say, "Folks, I'm gonna be 83, you don't have a lot of time." But they're great. They're working so hard.

Question: How does the organization feel about stem cells?

Jerry: Oh, that's my dream to get stem cell. Jesus Christ. ... It would probably help my kids more than anything else right now, stem cell. And it's a shame that it's been blocked. Blocked for what? Don't get me started on who I know blocked it. The Congress as far as I'm concerned, the goddamn idiots.

Question: I think Bush was the one that blocked it after Congress wanted it, right?

Jerry: Bush blocked it good. Oh yeah, Bush is one of my favorite forget-about-its. He didn't make a lot of friends. ... He got in the way of something that could help children and adults; rather than dying on us, they live a fruitful life. He's got to feel like a jerk.

Question: And it's almost eight years of progress it has stopped.

Jerry: Absolutely. And I think it's unfair to attack him. He's done a lot of things that did a lot of harm. I can't tell you too many things he did that did a lot of good. But it's a tough job, and stuff passes you that you pass on, that you have no idea the extension and how far-reaching that decision goes.

Question: Have you cried a lot?

Jerry: Me? On the hour. Sure. As strong as you get, there are certain parts of you that don't change. ...

Question: You must get a lot of invites to birthday parties, weddings -- funerals.

Jerry: I don't go to funerals. I happen to think it's uncivilized. I don't go to funerals if he's the best friend of my life. He died, but I felt pretty good about not going to the funeral because I told him how much I loved him WHILE HE WAS HERE. What am I gonna do at the funeral and the box? He can't hear me. I gotta go get dressed up and get sad? I don't need that. I'm not gonna have one, that's for sure.

Question: You're not gonna have a funeral?

Jerry: Oh, (expletive) no. ... No, they can burn me, and I'll have a nice jar to give my family, and that's it, let's get on with it.

Question: You don't look like you're near death.

Jerry: Well, I'm gonna be 83, so we're into a good number now. ... I'm gonna go to 100. I made up my mind that (George) Burns will not be the only one. ... One doctor friend of mine said, "You're not gonna want to go a lot more than 96." I said, "Why?" He said, "You'll find out." I said, "If I find out, then I'll be very happy!" That's a good number, 96.

Question: What do you think about the way Vegas has been changing?

Jerry: They'll eat one another alive. ... You see I played here in 1947. I'll tell you about Las Vegas. ...

The goddamn Trump Tower is so close to Wynn that Wynn checks people in there thinking it's his hotel. He (Trump) is not gonna be happy with the profit margin.

It's just too big and too busy. You want to know what it's gonna be like in five years, pal? ... You will see hotels go belly up because of this. ...

Take a walk down the Strip one day and look at where everything is. It's a hodgepodge, and once you've got a hodgepodge, there's no cleaning it out. It gets dirtier and dustier, and ultimately someone who has a business you think is terrific, they fold. That's what I fear. Because I love my town, I really do. I love it, and I think when a guy has his eyes set on building something here, that's all he thinks about. ...

Right now we've got 2 million cars in the valley, and you wonder why we sit in a car 60 minutes to go from here to there. I don't know that there's any way to fix it except put legislation on it and stop buying and selling and building for an 18-month period.

Question: What's the mentality that's making that happen?

Jerry: Greed, it's called! Greed! More! "You got a lot of money; you've done very well." "I'm not finished. I'm gonna do more!"

Question: That doesn't sound rational.

Jerry: Huh? Well, if you're gonna make sense, you're gonna screw up everybody. Don't do that because they're doing so well being stupid.

Question: On the other hand, a lot of people have succeeded in Vegas because they were irrational, right?

Jerry: No question about it. ... The management at Caesars isn't gonna listen to what I'm saying. They've done very well doing what they're doing. They're getting pushed toward Paradise (Road) more. Their main entrance is gonna wind up on Industrial (Road).

Question: Have you driven on Jerry Lewis Way?

Jerry: Oh yeah. I drove over to see what it looks like. I love that it connects with Dean Martin Place. I love that. That's great.

Question: How come you never built an MGM (type of hotel)?

Jerry: Because I think you should put your money in your business that you know about. Don't go where you don't know. And I never have. ... I bought some land in Canada some years ago. I paid $115 an acre that today I can sell for $17,000 an acre. And I've gotta bunch of them up there. ... I'm gonna buy an FM station in Paris so I can go and visit there more.

Question: Oh right, I forgot. You're the Jerry Lewis of France.

Jerry: Oh Christ, that's my room for chrissakes. Paris is my room!

Question: David Hasselhoff owns Germany and you own France.

Jerry: Yeah, but I usually go sober.

Question: What are the benefits of being Jerry Lewis in France?

Jerry: Oh Christ, you can't believe it. Interestingly, France is always given the credit of discovering Jerry Lewis, but when you see our statistics (of fan mail and fan following) it would blow your mind because Italy is first, Germany is second, the Netherlands is third, Japan is fourth, Australia is fifth ... and France is sixth. ... The mail this week will be the same amount we got 15, 18 years ago. ... I'm going to Australia next month for five concerts. I'll have nothing but ecstasy for five shows.

Question: What kind of mix of a show do you do now?

Jerry: Everything I've ever done, only more, different, two hours, you don't even know where the time went, and it's great. (Expletive) ham comes out, and they can't get me off the stage.

Question: You seem very upbeat. It seems you have hope in humanity.

Jerry: I've always had that. There's no point in being cynical or negative, because it doesn't get you anywhere, and there's so much of that crap going around. I have no time for that. Don't come to me about bad things that you've heard. Tell me about good stuff, because that generates my creativity and I work better hearing things are good with people.

Question: Thanks. I love your shoes, by the way. (They're adorned with theater images of a happy face and a sad face.)

Jerry: Thanks. You want 'em?

Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.