Rivers speaks out, doesn’t hold humor

And now, here are six things Joan Rivers said off of the top of her head in a conversation we had the other day. She performs Thursday through Saturday at The Venetian.

1. I mentioned star comedian Dane Cook's name.

"Dane Cook - I don't want to knock him. He's funnier than Stephen Hawking. I want to be positive. If you like an evening with setups and no punch lines, Dane is perfect."

2. I told her I'm glad she's on E!'s "Fashion Police," and I wish she also delivered entertainment news on CNN.

"I can't be the main person on CNN, because my name isn't Heidi or Candy or Tiffanie with an 'ie.' I just don't like getting the news from all these cutesy girls on all these networks: 'Hi, this is Sandie with an 'ie,' and 22 people died today.' "

3. One of Joan's early breaks was writing jokes for Phyllis Diller for $7 a joke. They were good friends. They brunched three weeks before Diller died recently.

"Everyone was calling me up and saying, 'Poor Phyllis.' She was 95. She was in her own home. She had an assistant. She had a staff. Her kids are fine. Lucky Phyllis. Lucky Phyllis!

"Phyllis was very old, you know. She died actually in early May. It just took that long to go through her system."

4. Joan has a new book on The New York Times Bestseller list. It's called "I Hate Everyone ... Starting with Me." Costco wouldn't sell it, because it has a curse word on the back cover.

So Joan went to a Costco, chained herself to a shopping cart (this actually happened) and started protesting with a bullhorn.

A manager told her she was trespassing on private property. She told the manager: No, Costco is on land stolen from the Indians.

"I loved what I did, because it was all about First Amendment rights," she said, noting that Costco was selling "Fifty Shades of Grey."

"What idiot is selling 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' which is total pornography, and you don't want to sell my book because Marie Antoinette says (the s-word)? Stupid, stupid, stupid."

5. This Friday, Joan is scheduled to be an honorary grand marshal at the Las Vegas Pride Parade, with Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin. Cho performs Thursday at Mirage; Griffin jokes Saturday at Mirage. (For more, see LasVegasPride.org.)

"Gay men are the best audiences, no question about it for me. Maybe not for Donny and Marie. But for me."

6. I asked her what the meaning of life is.

"The meaning of life is marry a rich person."

SIGHTINGS

Olympic hero Michael Phelps partied Sunday at Encore Beach Club on stage with superstar DJ-producer David Guetta. Hugging Phelps at the pool: Olympic gold-medal swimmer Allison Schmitt. ... Diddy, Chris Brown and Tyga partied Saturday at Chateau. Diddy's former manager Chris Lighty was found dead last week. Diddy riled the crowd with this tribute: "We don't do moments of silence. We do three seconds of noise."

Doug Elfman's column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Email him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.