So much is at stake, so jazz up those Super Tuesday spot ads

Now that the Super Bowl is finished, it's time for Super Duper Tuesday.

America's biggest pastime, presidential politics, again wrestles the spotlight from the republic's second greatest obsession. Surely you've saved enough chips and dip for today's big game, in which 22 states vote for presidential candidates.

For Super Duper Tuesday to take on its full measure of importance, the candidates must take a hint from the Super Bowl and improve the entertainment value of their television commercials. That's right, Mitt, John, Mike, Ron, Hillary and Barack. It's time to think big -- Super Bowl big.

This year, airtime for Super Bowl ads went for a lusty $2.7 million per 30-second spot during the Fox broadcast, or about the same amount John Edwards pays for a haircut. At last count, an estimated 93 million people watched the Super Bowl, only slightly less than the number of people Nevada Democrats swear attended the recent presidential caucus.

There is no shortage of political ads on the airwaves, but it's the style of those offerings I question -- too many petty facts and tepid accusations. Mitt Romney a flip-flopper, John McCain a liberal. Who needs it? The last thing this celebrity-obsessed country wants is a bunch of boring statistics and gassy position statements getting in the way of the big game.

We demand to be entertained, and the current crop of Super Tuesday commercials isn't cutting it.

Take this Romney character, for instance. We know Romney is very much opposed to illegal immigration, but what he needs is an advertisement that depicts him as a "Terminator" character with a haircut crafted from titanium steel. Instead of merely erecting a border fence, "the Rominator" mows down all the brown people before they have a chance to cross the border. Surely that will appeal to those who believe illegal immigration isn't a political football, but a plague.

As for Republican frontrunner John McCain, a knockoff of eTrade's talking baby spots might be perfect. The precocious toddler punches a few computer keys and says, "Sure, John McCain is old and scary, but I trust him to fight Islamic jihadism in a post-9/11 world. In addition, I related to him because he also wears diapers."

In a nod to the Coke commercial featuring competing hot-air balloons, floating facsimiles of McCain and Romney challenge to control a rolled up copy of the Constitution only to be bested by a Charlie Brown character who looks an awful lot like Mike Huckabee.

Meanwhile, back on the ground, genuine constitutionalist Ron Paul looks up and shrugs, "That's always been my problem -- not enough hot air."

On the Democratic side, another Coke commercial is imitated: the one that featured rivals James Carville and Bill Frist. In the new version, Carville and Frist are replaced by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

The two candidates start off by going nose to nose in a debate. The rhetoric is heated. Tempers flare. He accuses her of being part of the old guard. She accuses him of being too inexperienced to hold high office.

Then they share a Coke and a sweet, sentimental ride around the nation's capital where scenes of the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial are depicted. In the background, the Capitol dome is visible, and Old Glory waves proudly.

The commercial ends when one of the candidates is shoved in front of a cross-town bus.

Democrats are asked to cast their votes on the Internet to determine the victim's identity.

Another popular piece is the newly edited version of the Victoria's Secret ad in which a damsel in her underwear holds a football as the words "The game is almost over" flash on the screen. The new commercial features the same model, the same underwear, and even the same football. This time, an unmistakable voice with a husky Arkansas accent drawls, "The game is almost over, darlin', but that depends on what your definition of is, is."

Finally we have a public announcement from the Super Bowl's biggest advertiser, Anheuser-Busch, makers of Budweiser. A talking Clydesdale stomps a smart-alecky Dalmatian into submission, then turns to the camera and says, "It's the presidential campaign season, and we understand your desire to drown your sorrows in an endless flow of Bud Light.

"But please drink responsibly."

Who can argue with a talking horse?

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295.