Bonds probably won’t be sitting pretty inside prison cell

F eeling sorry for Barry Bonds today, as "Rants & Raves" wonders just how the indicted former slugger -- yes, former, as in his playing career is over, done, finito -- will manage to get his leather recliner and big-screen TV into a prison cell that measures no more than 75 square feet:

Hey, maybe he can command four consecutive cells -- just like he did four lockers in the San Francisco Giants clubhouse?

• Anyone who thinks Bonds will escape jail time -- even if it's only one year out of a possible 30 -- for alleged perjury and obstruction of justice after the feds spent four years investigating him for the use of "illegal" performance-enhancing drugs has, well, a fool for a client.

Four years is a lot of expensive man-hours spent on nailing one individual, and the government surely must have an ironclad case to take on a millionaire big bopper who can afford a real "heavy hitter" -- or 10 -- when it comes to attorneys.

Let's just say the implausible first-season scenario employed in Fox TV's highly enjoyable "Prison Break" was more believable than Barry "Bail" Bonds being able to extricate himself from this criminal muck. ...

• Ironically, Bonds might need a defense out of left field to have a chance. And we all know about Bonds and his lack of defense in left field. ...

• Seriously, you have to wonder whether Bonds is sitting on pins regarding his future?

We would've said "pins and needles," but it was accusations of taking needles in the tush (and elsewhere) that got Bonds in this situation in the first place. ...

• Staying with legal matters for a few more items -- what hath sports become? -- we see Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick turned himself in Monday to begin serving his sentence on dogfighting charges, ahead of his Dec. 10 sentencing hearing in Richmond, Va.

This leads us to believe that it will be a much lighter prison stay than what we had prayed this dog-maiming, dog-killing idiot would get.

If Vick is somehow home by next football season, we'll puke! ...

• Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson was sentenced Monday to 24 HOURS in jail for FELONY drug possession and driving under the influence.

One day? When the sentence could've been as long as 51 months? What is our judicial system thinking?

Yes, Tyson took responsibility for his misdeeds. Yes, Tyson needs more help than hard time.

But as long as celebrities keep getting little slaps on the wrist for committing crimes -- this extends to the acting and music industries, too -- what signals are we sending to children about the repercussions of misbehaving?

Heck, why didn't the Arizona superior court judge simply take away Tyson's car keys for a week, like some parent whose child had missed Saturday night curfew?

• Let the teeth-gnashing begin!

No, not about Alex Rodriguez being named American League Most Valuable Player on Monday. His regular-season numbers -- not his playoff stats -- mandated that he win for a third time.

Rather, we're talking about the 10-year, $275 million contract A-Rod is close to signing with the Yankees.

Considering New York City schoolteachers average $60,000 per year in salary, Rodriguez's average pay for one season would cover the cost of hiring 458 teachers.

Ah, life's priorities! ...

• As we watch the New England Patriots continue to blow out their NFL competition (average score: 41-16), to the point of seemingly running it up by keeping quarterback Tom Brady in waaaay after games are out of reach, we have to think there's going to be that one fed-up opposing defensive player in the final six games who purposely is going to cheap-shot Tom Terrific and send him to the sideline for the rest of the season.

Because, frankly, it's easier to take out Brady than the team's evil mastermind, coach Bill Belichick.

• At least one good thing to talk about in sports (no, it's not all negative -- it just seems that way): Milo Kostelecky, 30, a local businessman had a day to remember Saturday while playing in the Boys and Girls Club Golf Tournament at Siena Golf Club.

The 9.2-handicap player scored a double-eagle on hole No. 3, and then on the next par-5 he posted an eagle. The odds of scoring a double-eagle on any hole is approximately 1 million-to-one. To follow with an eagle on the next par-5 is Tiger Woods-squared.

Joe Hawk is the Review-Journal's sports editor. He can be reached at jhawk@reviewjournal.com or (702) 387-2912.