Tattoo rant leaves AOL columnist ink-stained

A columnist's job is to draw attention to his work while creating dialogue and evoking emotions among his readers.

Mission accomplished, David Whitley.

The AOL Fanhouse columnist penned a piece about new San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick that quickly sparked Internet outrage and ridicule Thursday.

"San Francisco's Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy. Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California's state prison have tattoos. I don't know that as fact, but I've watched enough 'Lockup' to know it's close to accurate," Whitley wrote.

"I'm also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There's a reason for that. NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don't want your CEO to look like he just got paroled."

Wow. So Whitley looks at a young black man with tattoos and automatically thinks "recent parolee."

Seems fairly open-minded.

Whitley wasn't finished.

"For dinosaurs like me, NFL quarterbacks were our little Dutch boys. The original hero stuck his finger in the dyke to save Holland. Pro QBs were the last line of defense against the raging sea of ink," Whitley wrote. "Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have arms covered in ink?"

Does one of those names stand out? One suspects Williams was included on that list so Whitley didn't come across as racist in making this point, especially after he deemed acceptable the tattoos of Alex Smith and Ben Roethlisberger.

But in the end, Whitley wins. A poorly written column with zero thought or intellectual value absolutely took over the Internet, just as he intended when he hit the send button on his lily white computer.

To each his own. Whitley wants quarterbacks who remind him of Wally Cleaver. That's fine. Leftovers prefers columnists who have a sense about society that didn't stop developing in 1957.

■ FACE OFF - Officers in Grand Rapids, Mich., made a fairly routine arrest of a drunken driver on Halloween night, but the case has turned out anything but ordinary.

The driver, 20-year-old Riley Sheahan, was charged with possession of fraudulent identification by a minor (for using the ID of a 21-year-old named Branden Smith), operating a vehicle while intoxicated with a blood alcohol content over the "superdrunk" limit of .17 and driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

All fairly common, except that Sheahan, who blew a .30, is a Detroit Red Wings prospect playing for the Grand Rapids Griffins.

Oh, yeah, and he also was wearing a purple "Teletubbies" costume when he was pulled over and put through a field sobriety test, all of which was caught on video that is available on the Detroit Free Press website (freep.com).

There is good news. Sheahan doesn't appear to have any tattoos - although he very well could be hiding plenty of ink under the costume - so he is apparently a great role model.

COMPILED BY ADAM HILL
LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL