Councilman Snake Plissken lays down the law on fast food joints down in the ghetto

NEWS FLASH, JULY 29 -- "The Los Angeles City Council expects to bar the opening of any new fast-food restaurants in poverty-stricken South Los Angeles, blaming the neighborhood's many burger joints and fried-chicken stands for its high obesity rates. It would be the first time in the U.S. that a big city has blocked fast food for health reasons."

And what are residents of that neighborhood buying in their local supermarkets, do you suppose? Organic raw vegetables and fat-free crackers — baked not fried? I bet not. I suspect those checkout stands are piled high with Cheetos and Doritos; Hostess Twinkies; beer and soda pop and high-fat hot dogs. Don't you?

Clearly, to do the job properly the City Council is going to have to close down the neighborhood's bodegas and grocery stores, as well. At that point, Wolfgang Puck or the folks from Lutece can be sent in to colonize the area with some nice, white-tablecloth eateries. The combination of wholesome organic ingredients, nouvelle cuisine portions, and the typical $600 tab for a dinner for four should help these low-income folks get their waistlines back under control in no time. And think how much more they'll ENJOY their meals when they can only afford one every month or two!

In the old days, of course, we might have protested that adults of any race must be trusted to make their own decisions — that rice and beans and other healthy foodstuffs were still reasonably affordable when bought in bulk quantities, last time we checked.

But this is a new, enlightened age! Can you think of anything else we should bar, down in the barrio? How about beer any stronger than 3.2 percent? The rulers of the enlightened Union of South Africa used to do this to keep the residents of some of their "poverty-stricken" neighborhoods from getting into too much trouble. They affectionately dubbed the brew "boy beer," for some reason no one can now recall.

Come on Los Angeles: Enough half measures! You've already banned guns for self-defense, smoking nearly everywhere, gambling and drugs and prostitution. Go all the way! Give us Snake Plissken's citywide internment camp in "Escape from L.A."! Do it today!