Give mate chance to explain when words sting

So, your beloved is talking to you in passing. Something in the word choice or presentation strikes you ... badly. Wrong. Like you've been dismissed. Or scolded. Reproved. Even smacked across the face.

You have the experience of being criticized or disrespected.

You mobilize! You're like an aircraft carrier. The siren wails. A voice says: "Battle stations! Scramble, scramble!" Fighter pilots sprint to cockpits. In mere moments you have those bad boys in the air, flying machines of chaos and destruction, locking on to targets. Your SABs (surface-to-beloved missiles) are away. You launch the counterattack.

Oh, you're good at this. And doesn't it feel so just and right?

Trouble is, your hostile reaction might not be just. Or right. Or even close to accurate.

When it comes to managing the relationship hazard of hurt feelings, thriving couples learn to faithfully follow this important rule: Before you react to your experience of being criticized or disrespected, always remember to check out your experience with the alleged perpetrator. Why? Well, just because you have an angry feeling does not mean your feeling is justified, accurate, fair or in any way necessarily grounded in reality.

To follow this rule, you must be willing to brave the initial wave of ire that burns in your throat, up and crashing into the back of your face. Sometimes it's useful to walk away for a few moments. Then, when you're contained, you go to your mate and check out your experience.

THE DIRECT QUESTION

"Are you mad at me?" or "Are you impatient with me?" or "Are you OK?"

The Direct Question alerts the partner that you're struggling in the conversation and invites that same partner to tell the truth ("Yes, I am angry") or to extend some reassurance ("No, honey, I'm fine") or provide an explanation ("I'm sorry, baby, I'm just tired and grouchy.") At minimum, The Direct Question alerts your partner to the need for some immediate adjustments in mood and marital decorum.

The cool thing about The Direct Question is it gives your mate a chance to mobilize empathy. It gives your mate a chance to examine his/her own motives and to be forthright about the meaning and intent of the word choice and tone.

It gives your mate a chance to correct your mishearing or to assure you he/she was being playful or ironic. Or, to "own" a bad mood, apologize for the critical or disrespectful tone and move forward. Or, to confess a harbored resentment and take ownership that "yes, you're right, that was critical ... was disrespectful."

In some cases, your mate will convince you of his/her complete innocence in word choice or tone, but you will still ask your partner to change that word choice or tone. Because those words don't work for you, even if they are innocent!

My girlfriend joined Pilates. I loved her energy about it. Admired her. So, I decided to wrap all that up in, "Well, aren't you a studly bitch!" Hmm. Didn't go over so well. But, she gave me a chance. Came to me and checked out her experience of being disrespected. I explained to her that it was an admiring compliment. She thanked me for the compliment, and then essentially told me to find some other words for complimenting her, because "bitch" reminded her of old wounds. She could never make peace with the word.

All that in about three minutes. Unnecessary conflict and angst avoided.

THE DIRECT CLAIM

"I'm really struggling with the way you're talking to me right now ...," or "It is not OK for you to speak to me this way!"

The Direct Claim replaces The Direct Question when there's less doubt about your partner's casual scorn or even unleashed hostility. But still, The Direct Claim gives your partner at least one chance to look in the mirror and put a bridle on runaway words and tone and speak to you in a way you can hear.

THE CUE

Some couples decide upon a verbal cue. I know a couple who say "ouch" with an ever-so-slight song of interrogative at the end. Like, "Ouch ...?" This cue means: "Something just happened for me that feels unhappy. Wrong. Not entirely respectful. Or like a criticism. I want to check that out."

So, again, before you react to the experience of being criticized or disrespected, check out that experience with your mate. Give your mate a chance. Your mate deserves a hearing or at least to hear the indictment read aloud before you pass sentence and give a nod to the hangman.

Originally published in View News, Jan. 18, 2011.