Keep calm to disable effects of parental alienation

What are your beliefs and knowledge (regarding) a divorced nuclear family involved in parental alienation? Should we struggle with continuous court battles because of the other parent's personal motives? -- F., Las Vegas

Actually, the first thing I thought of was that you don't have to be divorced to practice parental alienation. In its most common and subtle form, it's the unintended consequence of improper alliances that subvert healthy family hierarchy. I presuppose that a healthy family hierarchy begins and ends with the marriage. That is, whatever a mother and father agree or disagree about, the couple negotiate child-rearing decisions behind "closed doors" and then present a united front to the children. During the course of child rearing, most mothers and fathers are occasionally guilty of forging -- intentionally or unwitting -- an alliance with the children, postulating a "me and the kids versus you" dynamic.

In most cases, you notice this, talk about it, fix it and move forward.

In more egregious cases, a spouse will deliberately "pull" a child into a marital conflict, using the child as counselor, supporter, advocate and partner in commiseration. This is terrible for children and another face of parental alienation. I understand that people get angry with their spouse, can lose respect for their spouse, or worse, find they have an abiding contempt for their spouse. What's not OK is deciding to recruit the children to share your antipathy for their mother/father. Divorce would have more integrity.

In the event of divorce, all the same rules apply. But the temptation to deliberately alienate the children is greater. Let me state the obvious: Divorcing couples tend not to like each other much. At minimum, they are both in a lot of pain. Divorce is a huge ego blow. And the human ego wants desperately to recover, to justify itself, to wreak its own ideas about justice. Or, more often, revenge disguised as justice: "Hey, I've got an idea! What if I punish my mate for dumping me/betraying me by alienating him/her from the children!"

Good general rule: Always be on alert when your ego has a Bright Idea.

Today, parental alienation has emerged as a legal term, an actionable offense. But I'm here to tell you, in most cases, it is virtually impossible to prove. And the energy and resources you'd have to mobilize to prove it in court, not to mention the risk of additional damage to the children and additional alienation between you and them, make a legal confrontation something that I wouldn't recommend in most cases. See, if your ex is deliberately practicing parental alienation, what he/she wants is your consternation, your desperate efforts to explain and defend yourself. He/she wants you to plead and clutch after the children. It's fun for your ex. Makes your ex gleeful. My first recommendation would be, therefore, not a court battle, but learning strategic interventions rendering powerless your ex's childish behavior. An example: Child: "Daddy says that (insert distorted narrative or outright malicious lie)."

You: (pained, sympathetic expression) "I'm so sorry he said that to you. Honey, people who go through a divorce are in a lot of pain. And sometimes when we're in a lot of pain, we say hurtful and angry things. Do you have any questions for me that I can answer?"

See, no defense. No explanations or excuses. You don't even address the accusation at all. Instead you move with an empathy that even provides for the child a "place for the other parent to fall." You offer an understanding. Not a whiff of judgment or counterattack.

If you are a victim of parental alienation, subtle or overt, here's some encouragement:

Children are infinitely wiser and smarter than we think. They're also more resilient. I'm not saying they will not be hurt by parental alienation. I'm saying that children, surrounded by the support and resources of competent adults, mostly get around to figuring things out. When I'm doing family counseling with a child/teen who is thus conscripted into a divorce conflict, I'm no longer surprised to find out that the child really does recognize who the respective parents really are.

More importantly, truth floats. That's my way of saying that, if we're willing to give the issue some time and constancy in our efforts and behavior, the truth of what is really going on tends to become obvious to children.

And a word to angry, hurt people who are sorely tempted to practice parental alienation: You will rue the day. In almost every case, it will backfire on you. It will cost you your children's respect, not buttress it.

Originally published in View News, Feb. 8, 2011.