Woman needs to recognize role in unhappy marriage

I have been married for 27 years and have been with my husband my entire adult life. Little did I know that it would be mostly the saddest and alone years I would ever spend -- two desperate people grabing for the same drifting wood tossing in the wild ocean.

I met my husband right out of high school, and the rest is history. I worked my entire life, and he did what he wanted. It was a constant struggle with money. He always has been a hermit, choosing to stay off by himself in our basement. I could never get him to do anything with me or the children. I stayed with him because I don't think I had the strength to leave and/or didn't want to admit that I was a failure. I am now 56, he is 55, and we virtually live separate and desperate lives. I am the epitome of an enabler.

Now, I just want out, I think. I think it is too late for us because I have very little love for him. I am resentful and angry that our lives have been so lonely and spent being distant and withdrawn. I think he is pathetic most of the time -- an alcoholic and severely depressed, and in huge denial. He pretty much has ruined my life, and I don't know what to do.

-- J.V., Aberdeen, Wash.

You say your husband is "in huge denial." Then your very next words are, "He pretty much ruined my life, and I don't know what to do."

Take three deep breaths, J.V. Go inside yourself to that place where you tell yourself the fiercest truth. Then ask yourself: Who is in denial? Your husband?

Because I can think of something you could do. And, if you did this one thing, I think it would change your life. And then it is likely lots of things would change.

Decide now to give up the belief that your husband has ruined your life. Decide to give it up the way a smoker gives up cigarettes when the doctor points to the X-ray with the spots on his lungs. Get dramatic about it. Get desperate. See the belief that he has ruined your life as the Devil's lie. See the belief as evil, as poison. Think of the belief as you would think of eating a bowl of powdered glass. Decide that the belief is the enemy of everything you love and value.

Decide that you will do whatever it takes to reject this belief. Decide that no price is too high.

Because, if you deeply believe that your husband has ruined your life, then I would say that his "huge denial" pales in comparison to your own.

What I think is that slowly, steadily, piece by unwitting piece, you and your husband co-constructed the perfect machine for inertia, malaise, victimhood and bitterness. And when we find ourselves "keeping" our marriage vows in service to a lifetime of those ends ... well, something has gone terribly wrong.

The heart of marriage vows is not "I promise never to get a divorce." The heart of marriage vows is "I promise every single day to show up and do the work of being fully human."

I often have a fantasy about the Day of Judgment in heaven. In my fantasy, I see someone saying to God: "You'd be so proud of me! I never got a divorce! Stayed married the whole time. Yessirree, everyone around me was divorcing and no one valued commitment any more. But I told them how much you hate divorce, and, because I loved God, I would never, ever divorce."

And God says: "Hmm. I'm curious. What became of you in that marriage?"

And the pilgrim says: "Oh, sheesh, I hated it. It ruined my life. Made me bitter about myself, everything and everyone else. Stifled my creativity. In the end, lying there in hospice, all I could think about was what a relief it would be when death did us part. It was like being paroled from a life sentence."

And, in my fantasy, the pilgrim is very, very surprised to hear God say: "Hey? Don't do me any more favors."

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist and a World War II concentration camp survivor. In 1959, he published "Man's Search for Meaning" in which he concludes that human beings can construct meaningful (not ruined) lives even in the most sordid conditions.

No one and no thing has the power to ruin your life. Not Adolph Hitler, and certainly not your husband.

We decide whether our lives shall be ruined, or whether they shall be vital and meaningful.

Originally published in View News, April 28, 2009.