They’re … their … there are ways to avoid spelling errors

A few months ago, one of my students in junior honors English had a teensy hissy fit after getting back a vocabulary test and discovering that she'd received -- well, let's just say a very substandard grade. One reason was that she had misspelled several words, and all of my students know that spelling counts with me. I think, after 11 years of schooling, it should count with them, too, but hey, that's just me, and I'm a mean, vicious, hateful, demanding teacher!

Sofia was complaining, in that wonderfully whiny, entitled, affronted tone we all know and love, that she'd had points taken off for forgetting just one letter on one of the words, and she proceeded to make a very cogent and lucid argument.

Sofia: "It's only one letter, Ms. Wentz! One letter!"

Me: "Is it spelled correctly, Sofia?"

Sofia: "Well, no, but it's one letterrrrr!"

(As you can plainly see, it was hard not to succumb to such powerful reasoning. But, I held firm.)

Me: "OK, so you think you should get credit as long as you just miss one letter, huh?"

Sofia: "Yes! Exactly!"

Me: "Well, you might be right. So, it's OK if we call you Sofa now?"

Sofia: "Huh?"

Me: "Well, there's only one letter missing, Sofa. One letterrrrr!"

Sofia: "Funny, Ms. Wentz." (It's so rewarding when my students can appreciate my sense of humor.)

Another student, Eric, that same day got an essay back from me with quite a low grade on it. After 11 years in school, he still doesn't know how to use "there" or "your" or "it's" or any number of words whose -- or who's? -- spelling depends on their meaning in a sentence. He was stunned.

Eric: "Ms. Wentz, what the (expletive)!"

Me: "Pardon me, Eric?" (When my children, whom I do dearly love, use profanity, they must multiply the number of letters in the objectionable word by three, and then do that many push-ups, or sit-ups. They all know this, and accept it good-naturedly as a reasonable consequence that's over in 15 seconds -- rather than a torturous lecture -- and designed to deliver a half-humorous wake-up call that reminds them of their mistake while also making them buff! Interestingly, it's almost always 12 push-ups ... you do the math. Eric quickly pumped out 12 and got back to the business of being indignant.)

Eric: "So, what's wrong with my paper, Ms. Wentz?"

Me: "What did I write on it, Eric darling?" (I am nothing if not patient and loving.)

Eric: "OK, you wrote 'spelling,' but that's gotta be wrong because I used spell check!" (He's triumphant, his eyes flashing. I almost hate to burst his bubble, but remember me -- that mean, vicious, hateful, demanding teacher?)

Me: "So, what you're saying is that even if you use a word wrongly, as long as you spell it correctly, you ought to get credit, is that right, Eric?"

(This is an especially long sentence for Eric to digest -- it's only 40 minutes till lunchtime, so his brain is on food -- so he simply blinks a few times.)

Me: "Good comeback, Eric." (I am nothing if not supportive and affirming.) "But, you used "there" the wrong way. You wrote, 'There house was on fire.' It should have been, 'Their house was on fire.' Spell check wouldn't catch that because 'there' is spelled correctly, but used incorrectly. Are you with me, Eric?" (Please, that ship sailed about 30 words ago.)

Eric: "Huh?"

Me: "Never use spell check again as long as you live. Better?"

Eric: (Dawning light) "Got it."

Immediately, Fiona, who hadn't really been paying attention, because of the fact that she had a forbidden earbud in one ear, listening to 'music' -- and I use that term extremely loosely -- raised her hand and asked why they shouldn't use spell check.

Me: "Well, Fiona, if you'd been using both ears, you'd have heard why, but Eric, why don't you explain it once again for Fiona?"

Eric is a deer in headlights. I move on to someone else. I am nothing if not compassionate.

Me: "OK, how about you, Derek?" (Oops. Wrong call. Derek is male, and it's now only 20 minutes to lunch.) "I mean Sally, would you explain to Fiona why you shouldn't use spell check rather than actually learning to spell?"

Sally is shy. Very shy. And quiet. She gives a beautiful explanation ... which no one can hear.

Damn. When is the lunch bell gonna ring?

Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at vwentz@mindspring.com.