Affairs may not be evil but are horrible destroyers of marriage

Q: I enjoy reading your column every week, but I take exception to describing adultery as an "ordinary human weakness" (March 30 column). There is nothing ordinary about this. It's an extraordinary and dangerously harmful human weakness. My life has been turned upside down, and it's been a terrible ordeal for my children. Yes, I'm bitter and angry at my ex. So, please, Mr. Kalas, don't trivialize adultery. There is absolutely no justification for this selfish, harmful, destructive behavior. If there are problems in a marriage, try to fix them. Don't go looking for sexual or emotional gratification elsewhere. Don't trash your family for the sake of a fling or whatever happy euphemism you want to use. I've seen firsthand -- not just with me, but other friends whose (spouses) have cheated -- the pain and grief that results from infidelity. -- N.W., Las Vegas

A: First off, N.W., thank you for your letter. I thought it was bold, clear and well-written.

Second -- and I'm sorry to be a whiner -- it is so hard in 750 words or so to speak clearly about every possible caveat. And I missed yours. And I know that left you feeling hurt and discarded. And that matters to me.

Can I have another chance? (Though I'm fine with the fact that we still might disagree even after my efforts to clarify.)

I meant an ordinary human weakness in both human and political terms. In human terms, I meant that adultery isn't evil. I like it better than homicide, suicide or having sex with children. I mean that it's astonishingly common. Some 40 percent or more of married people stray at some point. Most don't get caught.

Adultery may well be morally bankrupt, yes, but that does not make adulterers categorically bankrupt human beings. I mean that a lot of otherwise beautiful human beings have adultery in their history.

In political terms, I mean that adultery, in and of itself, is not a point of interest for me. In the case of former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, I meant that the issue was not his unfaithfulness to his wife. Not for me. Why? Because I'm not married to Eliot Spitzer. He didn't make any covenant promises to me. If extramarital sex is the only issue, and no laws are being broken that demand redress, then the issue would be between Spitzer and his wife. End of story, at least for me.

The point of my column, however, was that I observe (and still believe) that Spitzer's behavior was typical of a crisis I call "Catch Me If You Can (and I'll Make Sure You Do)." I don't mean to be crass, but it's just not that hard to maintain discretion if you decide that scratching an itch is more important to you than your marriage vows. But discretion was not the hallmark of Spitzer's behavior. Hence, my column.

May I suggest that your response to this issue was not political, nor the wider view of ordinary human weakness? Rather, it was interpersonal. And if you'll buy that idea, then let me answer a different question: What do I think of adultery interpersonally?

Answer: Affairs suck. And the sex is, in the end, the easy part to deal with. The worst part is the lying. Lying grinds our souls to a pulp. It's demeaning. It's humiliating. It's degrading. And its consequences go on and on and on and on.

Affairs are devastating. In one form or another, I've been in behavioral health for the past 24 years. Wanna know how many couples I've seen face, suffer through, confess, forgive and truly heal adultery? I mean really, truly get through it, let it go and get to a place of newness and freedom and true reconciliation? You really wanna know?

Nine.

Many couples divorce on the spot. Some people hang around and wail and rail and weep and torture each other and then divorce. Some people put on a brave face and grit it out, but never again really share a true joy and celebration. Other people stay married, and spend the rest of their days in bitterness and emptiness, the betrayed partner stalking their mate even while he/she lays dying in hospice.

It's ugly, N.W. And I'm so sorry that I gave you the impression that I thought it was trivial. Nope. I gave you the wrong impression. So I'll take another stab at it.

When you stand in front of your friends and family and tell your spouse and God that you'll be faithful, well ... there are very real consequences for changing your mind. Affairs are a nightmare.

I'm truly sorry for your pain.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.