Christmas and holiday gifts for kids: 5 ideas beyond the toy box

Raising kids is hard. Seriously, they expect to be fed, like, every day. Well, at least buying gifts for the young’uns is easy, thanks to us. A few of the best options ever:

“Seriously, Just Go to Sleep”

Getting the fruit of your loins on the express train to sleepy town can be a hassle, especially when it’s vodka o’ clock and times a-wastin’. Show the little ones you mean business with this helpful parody book, which will make eyelids as heavy as the boozin’ soon to follow. $15.95, amazon.com

Mötorhead kids T-shirt

Mötorhead frontman Lemmy Kilmister may be dead, but his spirit shall live on in your little one thanks to this sweet T-shirt. You’ve already taught junior all the words to “Born to Raise Hell,” “Overkill” and “Eat the Rich,” because you’re an awesome parent totally throwing off the curve for moms and dads globally. Now seal the deal here. Seriously, the only thing more killer than these threads is the band that inspired them. $29.99, heavymetalmerchant.com

Discovery Children’s Museum membership

A trip to the Discovery Children’s Museum is like broccoli for the brain, the difference being that you don’t need any melted cheese to get your kid to partake in it. A smorgasbord of mentally stimulating fun, from ecological exhibits to arts and crafts, you can come here a dozen times and have a different experience each visit. This is why an annual membership, which includes unlimited free access, special invitations to exclusive members-only events and various discounts, is smart even by your supercerebral standards. Memberships start at $149, discoverykidslv.org

Rosie the Riveter lunchbox

A girl quickly builds up an appetite fighting for her place in the patriarchy. Transport those restorative carrot sticks and apple wedges the right way with this ladies-first lunchbox. Rosie the Riveter took no crap, and neither should any of her young disciples, so cut the crusts off that PB&J pronto or else, mister. $16.50, lunchbox.com

Favorite child award

As any good child psychologist will tell you — at least after half a dozen Jagerbombs — it’s very healthy and highly encouraged to pit your kids against one another in a psychic death match to win your approval by attempting to better one another. Reward their initiative with this helpful prize. Hey, why not go ahead and give yourself a ribbon for your awesome parenting skills while you’re at it. A wise, wise investment at $5.99. offthewagonshop.com