Difference between seduction and courtship is endurance

Q: I have a recently divorced friend who believes the only reason her ex wants to linger in the relationship is because he misses regular sex. She believes that's the only thing he valued about her. How can you tell the difference between lust and love? If a woman is attractive, how can she be certain she is loved as a whole person or as only the object that keeps on giving? And for that matter, how can a man tell if he loves a woman for more than the sex he can have with her? -- LJO, Las Vegas

A: Here's part two, LJO, continued from last Tuesday. Let's pick it up from "the difference between lust and love." Would you indulge a little verse?

"How many times did I light up the skies

"Wannabe soul mates, sparkling eyes

"Fire and fuse hurl us into the night

"Shoot for the stars on bottle rockets and lies

"Ooo ... ahh ...

"And then we would both come down"

When folks juxtapose the words "lust" and "love," I assume they have less-than-complimentary ideas about the former. Indeed, many people attach the word "lust" to any and every random sexual thought or desire. This is unfortunate, and a misuse of the word. Human beings, by biological design, have lots of sexual thoughts and desires, most of which are no more significant than the spontaneous desire to arch your back and stretch, or the sudden craving for a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard.

I'm saying, if lust means any sexual thought or desire, and lust is a bad thing, then we're all doomed.

If we mean to investigate lust as a moral pejorative, let me recommend the Greeks, whose language is so specific. The word is epithumeo (epiqumew), which is a compound of the prefix epi (meaning "to superimpose") and thumos (meaning "to desire").

Superimpose? Yeah, as in photography, where you take a picture of someone, cut out the face and place it over the face in another photograph. Now the identity in the second photograph is obscured. Covered over.

You can no longer see the person.

So, lust is not a word used to describe our sexual desire. Lust is what happens when we superimpose our sexual desire over another person, rendering that person a means to our end. Subject becomes object.

Put crassly: When sex is deeply human, it includes the moral imperative of remembering there is an actual human being attached to the other end of those body parts.

That's the difference between lust and love. But you asked how we can tell the difference, which is, admittedly, a different question, and a much dodgier task. Why? Because, for most people, intense sexual longing has a way of provoking Big Love Feelings. These feelings make us talk of destiny and hope and soul mates and oneness. These feelings crank open our soul, make time stand still and make promises and implied promises come tumbling out of our yammering piehole.

I'm saying Big Love Feelings make us a little daffy in the head, which makes it easy to dress lust in a "love costume" so expertly detailed as to fool even ourselves.

And in many cases -- common enough that many modern folks older than 30 could testify to the experience at least once -- the fastest way to douse the flames of Big Love Feelings is ... to have sex. (I'll understand if you're blushing right now.)

"Sooner or later, thanks for the ride

"Watching the colors, watching them die

"Falling to earth feeling guilty and shy

"Passion consumed and not knowing why

"Ooo ... ahh ...

"You gotta love Fourth of July"

How to tell the difference between lust and love? By recognizing Big Love Feelings that emerge out of powerful sexual chemistry. By allowing yourself to thoroughly enjoy the chemistry and the feelings; yet, paradoxically, adopting a posture of deep suspicion regarding the significance and substance of those feelings.

It's fun to be a little daffy in the head. Really, really fun. The stuff of life. I recommend it highly. But not a great place from which to make serious life decisions. Such as who to sleep with, let alone who to marry.

The difference between seduction and courtship is endurance. And that includes seducing ourselves.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.