Ignoring inherent differences leads to conflicts

Marital conflicts tend to break down into two categories. First, is The Authentic Grievance, some quid pro quo injustice, betrayal or otherwise dereliction in the relationship. If you're milling about at a party, and you step out onto the back porch to see your wife French-kissing some other man, then you probably have an authentic grievance. If your husband loses his job, and then, 18 months later, is "just too cool for employment," you have an authentic grievance. If you're married to a practicing addict/chemical dependent, it won't surprise most behavioral health professionals when you come to our office and tell us it feels like you're the one losing your mind.

The second category of marital conflict is lesser-known. Which is odd, because I'm convinced it's the bigger of the two categories. I call it Failure to Respect and Negotiate Differences of Type and Temperament. Instead of respecting and negotiating inherent differences, we bicker about the "right" way to attack housecleaning. The "right" way to feel and think. The "right" way to express love and receive love. The "correct" definition of a fun vacation. The age-old feud regarding the installation of toilet paper rolls. (It's installed with the paper coming over the top. I have spoken!)

Listen carefully to your marital arguments. They feel so righteous. They sound so righteous. You're convinced that your confrontation of your mate ranks with Martin Luther King Jr.'s march on Washington. You are taking a stand for all that is just and true in the universe.

Except that it's not "the" universe you're defending. It's "your" universe.

There's a sure "tell," a way to know that you do not have an authentic grievance; rather, you have a failure to respect and negotiate differences of type and temperament. That's because, if you really step back and pay attention to what you are saying to your mate, it comes down to this: "Why aren't you ... more like me!"

Go ahead. Imagine saying it out loud: "Why aren't you ... more like me!" Embarrassing, yes? Painfully arrogant and entitled. If you're laughing right now, that's a good sign. It means you can feel healthy shame, and that's important for growth and healing. And three cheers for your mate if he/she looks you square in the eye and delivers the one and only correct response to your condescending confrontation, that being, "Because then one of us would be unnecessary!" (For bonus points, feel free to murmur "doofwad" under your breath at the end of this sentence.)

The decision to respect and negotiate differences in type and temperament loosens my grasp on my neat and tidy and generally blind-as-a-bat universe, and invites me out into a much more roomy and creative universe. Specifically, into the actual universe. The universe in which I belong. The universe in which you belong, too. And, thankfully, in truly belonging, it becomes a universe that does not have me at its center. Or you.

It's not just marriage. These two types of conflict abide in all important human relationships -- friendships, families, at work, in politics and in love affairs. We argue and fight and "dig in" to self-righteous positions like a puffed up toad under a rock ... when we should be learning about ourselves, about others, and then negotiating respect, joy and freedom in the myriad differences of type and temperament.

Helen Palmer is coming to Las Vegas. She is the international "rock star" of The Enneagram, an ancient system of knowledge that describes nine patterns of human personality. She is a prodigious writer, her books being translated into 28 languages. Sponsored by Stillpoint Center for Spiritual Development in conjunction with Enneagram Las Vegas, Palmer is presenting the two-day workshop "The Enneagram of Relationships: How different types of people love and work with each other," June 9 and 10 at the Student Union Building at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, 4505 S. Maryland Parkway. The cost is $200. Reserve your seat by calling Stillpoint, 243-4040.

If there is a better model for helping us embrace, understand and celebrate ourselves and others ... well, nothing comes readily to mind. This workshop will rock your world. It will change the way you live. There will be more room in your universe for others, for starters because The Enneagram will make more room in your universe for you!

Or, as Stillpoint's Founding Director Roisin O'Loughlin says it, "To understand all is to forgive all."

I look forward to meeting you there.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal. com.