No Taste For Accounting (Accountant)

Preparing their taxes is something most Americans look forward to as much as their next boil. Yet Carol Parker describes preparing them for other people, over and over for a living, as "fun."

"It's like getting paid to do a jigsaw puzzle," said Parker, an accountant at Liberty Tax Service at 3319 S. Maryland Parkway. "I think I'm ahead in that I'm not charged by the hour to be here."

The National Taxpayer Advocate estimates that nearly 81 million of the 130 million tax returns filed each year are completed by paid preparers. These preparers include certified public accountants, enrolled agents, attorneys and, this afternoon, a wacky reporter.

Although no certification is required to prepare taxes at a store, certifiability helps.

"Every year, they change the income tax laws, so you have to learn the new laws, the new software, and all the ins and outs," said Parker, who looks and smells like my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Berv.

"And they change it faster than you can memorize it."

Most customers' situations fit the 1040-EZ format, fortunately for me, so Liberty's customized tax software provides all the questions to ask. Things go smoothly with my first walk-in client -- at least until the "dependents" section.

"I'm paying child support for three," says a security guard who does not want his name published for reasons that are about to become obvious.

Parker steps in to inform my client that children cannot be claimed as dependents by child-support providers, "even if they're taking 90 percent of your pay."

I can't tell if this is the part Parker referred to as fun, or if it's the part where she examines the man's W-2 and notices that he paid no federal taxes last year.

"Not even one dollar?" she asks.

He can top that. The man admits to not filing "in years."

"You owe big," Parker tells him.

Originally, Parker -- who gives her age only as "over 21" -- pursued her childhood dream in Bellingham, Wash.

"It was rewarding, but teachers don't get paid anything," she said. (Actually, salary.com puts the national average for public school teachers at $49,000 per year, while tax accountants earn $45,000. Go Mrs. Berv!)

Then Parker met and married an electrician who takes temporary work across the country, moving an average of four times a year.

"He chooses where we go, and I just go along for the ride," said Parker who, since August, has called an RV park on Boulder Highway home.

After growing frustrated with each new state's lengthy teacher registration process, Parker decided to try a field she studied in college. She found that she loved accounting just as much.

"Some people give you a hug just for $700 they didn't think they were gonna get," she said.

I have arrived again at that pesky "dependents" section. Las Vegas jewelry-store manager Jesse Patterson and his lovely wife, Tiffany, tell me they have no children. But I have an idea. I'm talking about getting this struggling young couple thousands of unexpected dollars back, as well as perhaps starting a nationwide tax craze. Accountants may even name an adding machine after me.

"Do you have any pets that you treat like children?" I inquire.

If Parker receives hugs for $700, what I'll probably be offered cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Last year, our wiener dog herniated a disc. And I personally invite Uncle Sam to prove that Sammie -- unless he had some secret way of paying $1,700 in veterinary bills that he didn't tell me or my fiancee about -- is not our dependent.

The Pattersons answer affirmatively.

"You're getting a lot of money back," I promise.

I'm starting to see what Parker meant. Doing someone else's taxes is fun.

Jesse also is lucky because not every accountant will tell him that paying for hookers (legal ones, at least) can be deductible. Actually, not any accountant will tell him that, but it's not technically wrong. Anything that's legal, and necessary to operate a business, is classifiable as an expense.

Exotic dancers, for example, routinely deduct breast-enhancement surgery.

"It's for their business," said Randall Brody, Parker's boss, who estimates that strippers sashay in at the rate of approximately one per week during tax season.

I can't say exactly why managing a jewelry store would require the use of hookers. Then again, how many executives out there do actual business during a business lunch?

A look of genuine concern consumes Jesse's face. I tell him that he can call me later, when his wife is not around, at which point he can answer my hooker question more honestly.

That's not what he's concerned about. Tiffany has forgotten her W-2 form. Their joint return cannot be filed without it.

Parker suspects her of possessing the form but being afraid to produce it until a time during which I'm no longer here.

"Just so that you'll know," Parker tells them, "our tax returns are reviewed before they're transmitted."

Brody, sensing a problem, approaches to offer me a job "more befitting my skill set."

He transfers me outside, to the corner of Maryland Parkway and Desert Inn Road, where I spend the remainder of my accounting career waving down cars while wearing a Statue of Liberty cap and gown.

Fear and Loafing runs Mondays in the Living section. Levitan's previous columns are posted at fearandloafing.com. If you have a Fear and Loafing idea, e-mail clevitan@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0456.