Politicians should change their tunes

Being a Celine Dion devotee is kind of like having a birthmark shaped like Boris Yeltsin on your derriere: Some things you should just keep to yourself.

But alas, Hilary Clinton has made the dubious decision of professing her fondness for the Canadian crooner by selecting Dion's "You and I" as her campaign song, depriving her of all but the deaf vote.

In order to help the other presidential candidates avoid such a career-imperiling mistake, I've chosen some truly boss theme songs for them.

Rudy Giuliani: Black Sabbath, "Iron Man." When not endlessly referencing his 9/11 heroics, drinking from his commemorative 9/11 coffee mug or getting a 9/11 neck tattoo, Giuliani, is, well, he must be sleeping or knocked unconscious or something. Seriously, the guy does so much milking of that tragedy, he's a menace to the lactose intolerant. According to Guiliani, terrorists are everywhere -- they're hiding in your cornflakes! -- but thank God we have this bad guy whuppin' superhero to save the day.

John Edwards: Ted Nugent, "Fist Fightin' Son Of A Gun." Edwards gets goofed on for his pricey haircuts and "Prell Girl" primpery, so he needs to establish himself as a rugged man's man, the kind of guy who smells of motor oil and the blood of small animals, who flosses with barbed wire and punches strangers for no reason. There's no one better to take his cues from in this department than the mighty Nuge, a dude who used to show up for work in a loincloth.

Mitt Romney: Notorious B.I.G., "Mo Money Mo Problems." Every presidential candidate is stupid rich, but Romney is particularly patrician and prefabricated. He's as plastic as a Ken doll still in its packaging and boasts all the down-to-earth charm of a tire iron. Maybe this tune will help him relate to all of us working stiffs, 'cause you know Mitt likes to keep it gangsta.

Barack Obama: Mötley Crüe, "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)." Wanna see Obama bust out some gnarly air guitar riffs? Crank this bad boy from the Crüe. "Girl, don't go away mad," he sings into his hairbrush, imagining the woman who would keep him from being president, one Hilary Clinton. "Girl, just go away." And then, in true Vince Neil fashion, he feathers his hair and vomits on someone.

John McCain: Guns N' Roses, "Double Talkin' Jive." After cozying up to the late, Jesus jonesin' Jerry Falwell, who he once branded an "agent of intolerance," McCain drove his "Straight Talk Express" straight off a cliff and into the depths of BS valley.

Fred Thompson: D.R.I., "Reaganomics." Thompson is positioning himself as Ronald Reagan reborn, which is kind of like an actor aspiring to be the next Steve Guttenburg -- not exactly shooting for the stars, are we? Just what we've all been waiting for, the return of voodoo economics, illegal arms deals with foreign countries and lots of moral crusading by a crappy actor. Great. Maybe next Thompson can bring back Punky Brewster and the pet rock.

Jason Bracelin's "Sounding Off" column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 383-0476 or e-mail him at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com.