Sarcastic teasing keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously

Q: I appreciate your distinguishing between definitions of sadism (e.g., clinical, colloquial). Another word I've wondered about is "sarcasm." I grew up thinking that "sarcasm" was like "sadism," meaning something mean-spirited, intended to inflict harm on the "victim." Yet some of my friends use "sarcastic" to mean good-natured teasing. When I once said I didn't like sarcastic people, a new friend of mine silently wondered whether we could be friends. She later told me she was often sarcastic, meaning teasing. -- P.P., Henderson

A: Sarcasm is a Greek word that, literally translated, means to tear the flesh. In its original meaning, sarcasm is a deliberate insincerity, a rhetorical device used for taunting or humiliating. In this it differs from an ad hominem attack, such as, "You're ugly!"

In the evolution/devolution (you pick) of language, sarcasm often is absorbed by or confused with irony. Irony is a figure of speech wherein the intended meaning is the opposite of what is spoken. The English are culturally renowned for irony, framing dramatic moments in startling understatements such as "quite," "indeed" or "perhaps." At best, theirs is a lovely use of language. At worst, the English are experienced as condescending -- the quintessential prig.

When Americans use irony, they more often use it sarcastically, as when you see the line at the DMV, roll your eyes and say, "Great." Or when we're impatient and angry with a loved one who dropped a casserole on the floor: "Smooth move, ex-lax! Why don't you just throw all the dinner on the floor and we'll eat there?"

Men, I should tell you this particular use of irony does not bode well for romance later in the evening.

I guess we could say that all sarcasm includes irony, but not all uses of irony are sarcastic.

But your friend is right, we also use sarcasm colloquially to mean a kind of teasing. And when used in good faith, this kind of sarcasm is a delight. A joy. A freedom. It shines a light on human foolishness, and that's a good thing.

Sarcasm is at the heart of American comedy. Comedian Ron White tells the story of being exhausted at his hotel during a long tour. His then-wife calls to complain that the family dog, Sluggo, has "done his business" on the carpet. Ron is tired and grouchy, and can't understand why this "tragedy" (hear the sarcasm?) necessitates a crisis phone call. So he says: "All right, honey, I'll take care of it. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him."

Thriving marriages employ sarcasm. Our mate, like every mate, has oddities and idiosyncrasies and character flaws. Sarcasm -- not the mean-spirited kind -- allows us an alternative to seething resentments and ego battles. Loving mates spoof, lampoon and satirize one another with great regularity.

A couple goes grocery shopping. The wife grabs a loaf of bread, which provokes a chiding lecture from the husband about the vital importance of 100 percent whole wheat bread, the dangers of refined white flour and the possible ties between the proliferation of white flour and cancer, laws against prayer in school and the pariah of the designated hitter.

Two aisles later, the husband looks at the list and notices aloud they've yet to find chewing gum. The wife, eyes feigning utter sincerity, says, "Maybe they have whole wheat gum." Hubby makes as if to backhand her, and walks away muttering.

But truthfully, he's flattered. He admires her moxie, that she won't take crap from him, even when he's technically right. He needs for her, when appropriate, to let him know he's a little full of himself, a little pretentious. Her sarcastic remark brings them closer together.

Teasing and practical jokes abound in healthy, thriving families. But from time to time there are casualties. We miscalculate rapport, or the readiness of the "target" to laugh about some foible or failure. Feelings get hurt. But the few times each year that we misstep is no reason to rob ourselves of the countless more times we celebrate the joy of not taking ourselves or each other too seriously.

Love and warmth grow better where folks are at ease with the fact that human beings are regularly ridiculous, uptight and full of themselves. Teasing, including sarcasm, invites this ease and celebrates it.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.