These tunes should be weapons of war

So that's why Osama bin Laden is still on the lam.

Recently, "Mother Jones" magazine released a list of songs that the military has been using during interrogations of al-Qaida suspects. It was full of righteous jams by the likes of Metallica and Deicide.

C'mon! Are we trying to pry information from these guys, or get them to bust out some tasty air guitar licks?

And so being the diligent super patriot that I am, I have decided to help my country out and come up with a much more suitable batch of tunes to blare while torturing, err, "leaving liberty bruises" on our enemy combatants.

Crank this nasty little playlist up, and those guys will be spilling their guts in no time.

Stryper, "To Hell with the Devil": Those terrorists only think they hate Christianity, but this will seal the deal real quick like. Christian heavy metal is like nonalcoholic beer or my conscience: It serves no discernible purpose.

Kind of like these dudes.

Tom Cochran, "Life Is a Highway": Remember that scene in "Annie Hall" where Christopher Walken's behind the wheel, talking about his urge to drive into oncoming traffic? This inexplicably popular song will help you understand where the guy's coming from.

Yeah, it's catchy -- like the whooping cough -- though its lyrics are as about as inspiring as the dialogue in a porno.

Trace Adkins, "Honky Tonk Ba Donk a Donk": One of the most loathsome flies buzzing around the outhouse that has become contemporary country, Adkins makes paramecium seem evolved.

But hey, I guess an ode to butts makes sense coming from this heel. He is the genre's biggest ass.

Billy Squier, "The Stroke": This song is like salt in the eyes of rock 'n' roll. "Don't take no rhythm," Squier whinnies on the half-baked hit. "Don't take no style." You said it, guy. How is this still a staple on classic rock radio? I'd rather listen to Rosie Perez belch the theme to "Diff'rent Strokes."

Clay Aiken, "Invisible": The creepiest stalker anthem since The Police's "Every Breath You Take," this is the sound of restraining orders being drawn up. "If I was invisible, I could just watch you in your room," Aiken sings outside your bedroom window, fogging up the glass.

Yikes. If you see this guy on your front lawn, turn on the sprinklers already.

Whitesnake, "Still of the Night": There's a caveat here: This one has to be played with its accompanying video, where the sight of a sweaty, swarthy David Coverdale wagging his tongue at the camera will make you want to remove your reproductive organs and burn them.

This is what the clergy uses to stay celibate.

Heidi Montag, "Body Language": Attach a pair of breasts to a tire iron and some weasly major label exec will sign it to a record deal. Attach a pair of breasts to a tire iron and there would be no need for Heidi Montag.

I have to go now, and attach some breasts to a tire iron.

Jason Bracelin's "Sounding Off" column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 383-0476 or e-mail him at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com.