Why is it that only men ‘get lucky’? It works both ways

Q: If a woman is attractive, how can she be certain she is loved as a whole person or as only the object that keeps on giving? And, for that matter, how can a man tell if he loves a woman for more than the sex he can have with her? -- LJO, Las Vegas

A: In the third and final part of this discussion, let's take a long look at the way you've shaped these last two questions, LJO. Your questions aren't benign. The questions are rife with presuppositions. May I?

Do you presuppose that only "attractive" women struggle with this question? Are you saying that plain or homely women can't be sexually objectified? Or that they are unconcerned if they are? What special responsibilities and concerns do you believe attractive women have regarding their sexuality that other women don't have?

Why wouldn't you also ask how a woman can tell if she loves a man for more than the sex she can have with him? Or, if a man is attractive, how he can be certain he is loved as a whole person, and not merely as the object that keeps on giving? Do you assume that, in sex, women are the givers and men are the ... what? Getters? Takers?

May I tease you a bit? Some of us guys think ya'll women (as they would say where I went to school in Texas) are getting something out of sex, too. Getting something from us.

Reminds me of the cheesy colloquialism "getting lucky," used almost exclusively with men. See, men who have great sex don't "get lucky." A boy gets lucky, maybe, when his mother stumbles into a moment of whimsical fondness and buys him an ice cream cone. But great sex has nothing to do with luck, and nothing to do with anybody doing the man a favor.

I'm wanting to push you to see that you have postured these questions as a condescension. Specifically, women condescending to men. And this does not bode well for great sex. Only peers have great sex. Unless you're a dog, where the, uh, how shall I say, female dog is always in charge. Or unless you're a praying mantis or black widow spider, for which great sex means the masculine is consumed.

How can a woman be certain (in sex) that she is loved as a whole person? Well, for starters, she could quit postulating this question to the guy. Quit making him responsible for whether she's loved as a whole person.

Instead, she could shift all those energies into an unequivocal commitment to love herself as a whole person. One of the immediate consequences of this commitment is that she'll never again have sex she doesn't want to have. And she definitely won't be having sex with men who exploit her, degrade her or otherwise treat her badly.

She'll own her own sexuality. Which will make her both freer and more powerful -- and, by the way, very attractive to men who are grown-ups.

How can a man tell if he loves a woman for more than the sex he can have with her? Well, first off, if all he wants is sex, I can assure you he is fully aware that he does not love her. When we look across a bar and notice our sexual attraction to a woman, we don't wonder if we love her, let alone whether we love her as a whole person. We mostly just smile and enjoy the thoughts and feelings we are having. That's pretty much the beginning -- and the end -- of what we're doing.

If we are in love with a woman, and the relationship includes sex, then your question still isn't very compelling to us. Men tend to bring a more linear, objective and compartmentalized approach to sexual courtship. Well, to everything. If it's time to have sex with our wives, then that's what we're doing. If it's time to do laundry, then that's what we're doing. We don't do laundry and wonder if we love you for more than the laundry we can do with you, either.

"Do you want to see me naked so that you can decide whether to pursue a relationship with me? ... to feel closer to me?" I heard a woman ask a man.

"Nope," the man said in humble honesty. "Not that complicated. I just like looking at you naked."

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.