Just for men with too little else to do

There are all kinds of competitions in Las Vegas nightclubs, and they’re designed to entice hot women inside, so that men will spend big booze money on them. There are bikini contests, dancing contests, and fake-boob contests.

Right, so Privé at Planet Hollywood hosted one of these fake boob competitions Saturday night, and women showed up in sets of twos, threes and nines. Special ladies dressed alike in boas.

Most were tiny breasted. For one night only, Privé was the world capital of the flat chest. These women were like plains drifters: travelers of a flat terrain; the sisterhood groveling for implants.

Clubs usually convince such women to, say, perform a fake orgasm on stage, where the winner is the sexiest faker or whichever girl simulates girl-on-girl action to score crowd applause.

But Privé merely asked interested women to sign up for a raffle when they strutted in. The winner’s name would be discreetly plucked out of a box later. What’s this? A club exercising slight concern for women’s feelings about their image? What?

“We don’t want to put them on display and have people boo,” Greg Jarmolowich, managing director of Privé, told me. “We don’t want to degrade women. We want to make it fun for people.”

It’s not clear if everyone knew there was a raffle or not. A bunch of not-flat Miss USA contestants who were contemplating their own contest this week didn’t stick around long in their sashes.

And the first 11 flat women I approached said they didn’t know what I was talking about, but a few slinked away from my respectful questions as if they were acquainted with the notion of indignity, so who knows?

One tall tourist from England, Nancy, didn’t want her last name in the paper, and said no one told her she could toss her breasts into the raffle ring. It didn’t bother her, though. She eyed her prodigious boobs as well as the heaving orbs of her three friends and bragged of their collective gravitational pull.

“I guess they thought that some of us didn’t need them,” she boasted.

Nancy then purred that while in town, she and her friends had matching tattoos of a five-tip star inked onto their left butt cheeks.

“Do you want to see them?” Nancy asked.


Finally, I found Anika, 29. She was anxious to win boobs. She was an out-of-work cocktail waitress who wanted to replace her “negative A” cup with “big C’s” or “little D’s.”

“I have booty, but I don’t have booby,” she said in heels catapulting her athletic frame from 5-feet-7 to 5-feet-10. “It’s hard to get a job here without boobs, especially a black girl,” Anika said, pointing out she was black.

“They hire size-zero white women with big boobs. You will hardly ever see a black woman in a club,” working.

That wasn’t totally true at Privé. Yes, among svelte workers, hefty cleavage did knock about. But regarding heritage, there was at least one black go-go dancer. Also, quite a few cocktailers and other go-go-shakers were not white.

Anika shared a sad story. When she was 11 in Miami, she desired a chest as impressive as her mom’s “D’s.” But Anika’s breasts refused to budge. She figured her mom’s gifts had bloomed via the conduit of a magical “exercise bra,” so Anika stole Mom’s bra and wore it.

Yet, years passed, and Anika’s top shelf never extended. At last, when Anika was 24, her mom spilled the beans that she owned “D” cups because she’d bought them from a plastic surgeon. Oh, the cruelty of fate and deception.

I told Anika her husband should buy her boobs. He’s got a decent-paying job. Alas, they have five kids and can’t afford it.

After four hours of further careful observation, it dawned on me there were more women than men at Privé. Most everyone smiled and danced. Strangers made out at length in loud corners. It was packed but not racked.

Amid the joy or desperation or whatever nightclubs inhabit at any given moment, one glum guy slouched on a couch near the entrance.

He identified himself as Gary Newton, 28, an arms-defense worker from Ohio: “We make shit what kills people. … Death has been a successful business.”

What did he think about these flat women? He gestured my attention to a trio giggling in front of us. Their outward demeanor was “We’re happy as clams,” while draped in baggy dresses concealing lean, surfboard bods.

“These girls are the same as every girl, right? They’re wearing the burlap sack dress,” Gary said merrily. “They’re clearly not naturally blond. I don’t suspect they read much. Probably their Channel bags are not real. Good Lord.”

“They’re hiding their bodies behind a proscenium of — in this case — teal. So although I like that their dresses finish above mid-thigh and gives me inspiration to fantasize about more, I’d rather meet Juno,” the recent nerd-movie heroine.

Just then, these three smiling women Gary was tearing apart handed him a camera to snap their picture. Snap.

“Look at their hair,” tall Gary groused afterward in his jeans and dark sneakers. “They’ve got roots. They’re striving for an MTV-‘Laguna Beach’ perfection that doesn’t really exist.”

He then proclaimed the whole night a “banal, insipid hell” peopled in “a grandiose, least-common denominator.”

Gary did have a good time, he said, “but only because that little girl right there? Her eyes will melt your soul.”

Gary pulled out two business cards and began to make them disappear, a magic trick. I told him I didn’t believe his name was Newton. He confessed it was not and further admitted he was not from Ohio, but L.A. When he walked away, he pointed his fingers in the air, shook his hips and grooved toward the thump-thump DJ spinnings of Rage Against the Machine.

Near the 3 a.m. mark, a DJ finally announced the winner of the raffle, someone named Christine Jones or something. It was hard to hear over the music that never stopped.

People on the dance floor didn’t seem to pause to take notice. No woman raised her arms in bliss to rush the DJ booth. To collect her prize, the champion had to be present. As it was nearing dawn, I couldn’t track her down so I bolted.

But first I looked for English Nancy and flat Anika and disco-liar Gary. Were they gone? Five hours after the club had opened, the anticipation had apparently stretched too long for them to wait to find out who could be the next lucky victor — she who could soon leave behind the concave ranks of the yearning.

Doug Elfman’s column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.

Hundreds Attend Slides, Rides and Rock and Roll in North Las Vegas
Hundreds attended the inaugural slides, rides and rock and roll event in North Las Vegas Saturday. The event featured a car show, water slide park and live music. (Madelyn Reese/ Las Vegas Review-Journal)
It's All Rainbows At The Center's New Cafe
The Gay and Lesbian Center of Southern Nevada (The Center) introduced its new coffeeshop, Little Rainbow Cafe, in June. Rainbows are everywhere, even in the lattes and toast, and employees wear t-shirts with the quote "Be a rainbow in someone's cloud." Owner Ben Sabouri said the concept is "built around the idea of, you know, be kind and treat everybody the same." (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Get a Rainbow Latte at the The Center's Little Rainbow Cafe
The Center, a community center for the LGBTQ community of Southern Nevada, has a new cafe. Little Rainbow Cafe serves up a pride-inspired signature "Rainbow Latte." (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Pedestrian killed trying to cross Sahara
A pedestrian was killed Friday trying to cross Sahara Avenue near Maryland Parkway about 5 a.m. A sedan struck the pedestrian while the person was outside the crosswalk between Maryland Parkway and Pardee Place, according to Las Vegas police. Police also said the driver of the sedan remained at the site of the crash. The pedestrian was pronounced dead at the scene. This is the 75th fatal crash that Las Vegas police have investigated in 2018.
Man shot multiple times
Las Vegas police are investigating after a man was shot multiple times early Friday morning. The shooting was called in about 3:20 a.m. at the Harbor Island Apartments, 370 E. Harmon Ave., near Koval Lane. The man was hospitalized and is expected to survive, but police are still searching for the shooter.
Former Military Police Corps Officer Celebrates 100th Birthday
Summerlin resident Gene Stephens, who served as a military policeman in WWII and escorted then-Gen. Dwight Eisenhower and President Roosevelt during the war, turned 100 on July 13, 2018. He credits his longevity to living a normal life, exercising regularly and eating three square meals a day. (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Motorcyclist suffers serious injuries
A motorcycle rider was seriously injured Tuesday night after a crash on Charleston Boulevard. The crash was reported just before 10 p.m. near Durango Drive, according to Las Vegas police. The motorcyclist was hospitalized with unknown injuries but is expected to survive. Las Vegas police are investigating the cause of the accident.
CCSD Superintendent Jesus Jara Has Lunch With Students
New Clark County School District superintendent Jesus Jara continued his listening tour by having lunch with students at Red Rock Elementary School as part of the district's summer lunch program. In conjunction with the U.S. Department of Agriculture, children under the age of 18 can find a free lunch at 104 different locations across the valley through the summer months. Jara highlighted the free program and the importance of eating healthy during his visit. (Madelyn Reese/ Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Timeline Leading Up to Scott Dozier's Execution
Scott Dozier is set to be executed by lethal injection the night of July 11 at Ely State Prison. Dozier was convicted of the April 2002 killing of 22-year-old Jeremiah Miller and was given the death penalty in Oct. 2007. In 2016 Dozier asked in a letter to District Judge Jennifer Togliatti requesting that he “be put to death.” A three-drug cocktail of midazolam, a sedative; the painkiller fentanyl; and cisatracurium, a paralytic, is expected to end his life. (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
New Program Helps Mothers Battling Addiction
Jennifer Stanert has battled drug addiction on and off for the last 21 years. It caused her to lose custody of one of her children, Alec, after she gave birth while high. A new program at Dignity Health St. Rose Dominican Hospitals aims to connect mothers like Stanert with community resources and provide case management services while still pregnant to get connected to lactation and parenting classes, group peer support and education on neonatal abstinence syndrome. (Madelyn Reese/ Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Felon caught with guns in Mandalay Bay room 3 years before Las Vegas shooting
A felon was caught with guns in a Mandalay Bay hotel room three years before the October 1st mass shooting. Six weapons were found inside Kye Aaron Dunbar’s 24th floor room in November 2014. Four were semi-automatic. One was a scoped rifle pointing toward the Strip, according to court documents. Dunbar was sentenced to 40 months in federal prison for unlawful possession. The case just came to light in a lawsuit accusing Mandalay Bay of negligence in connection with the Oct. 1st shooting.
Illegal fireworks in the Las Vegas area garner complaints
Clark County received nearly 25,000 complaints over the Independence Day holiday on a new illegal fireworks site. Reports from the site led to at least 10 illegal fireworks busts across the valley overnight. As of Thursday morning, the county is still compiling the total number of citations issued.
House fire displaces 2 people
Two people were displaced after a house fire early Thursday morning. The fire, at 963 Temple Drive in east Las Vegas, was reported just after midnight, according to a battalion chief from the Clark County Fire Department. Crews from the North Las Vegas and Las Vegas fire departments also were called in to help. The cause of the fire is still under investigation.
"Red White and Boom" July 4 Fireworks at the Stratosphere
Full video of the Fourth of July "Red White and Boom" fireworks show at the Stratosphere as seen from the 8th floor Elation Pool. (Madelyn Reese/ Las Vegas Review-Journal)
July 4th fireworks at the Eureka Casino Resort in Mesquite
July 4th fireworks at the Eureka Casino Resort in Mesquite. (7-04-18) (Bizuayehu Tesfaye/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Las Vegas Crowds Enjoy Fireworks at the Stratosphere
Revelers enjoyed watching fireworks displays from the Stratosphere's 8th floor Elation pool on July 4. (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Pedestrian killed in Henderson
A pedestrian trying to cross St. Rose Parkway at Bermuda was hit by a vehicle on Tuesday night and later died. The crash was reported around 11:30 p.m. Las Vegas police responded initially, but handed over the investigation to Henderson police once it was determined the accident happened in their jurisdiction. Las Vegas police did respond to a report of a pedestrian being hit by a vehicle on the Strip. The person, who was hit by a BMW near Fashion Show mall, suffered serious but not life-threatening injuries.
USPS owes $3.5 million for using Vegas Statue of Liberty on stamp
The United States Postal Service has been ordered to pay $3.5 million to a sculptor after using the Las Vegas replica of the Statue of Liberty in a stamp. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
What to expect at Station Casinos' Fourth of July celebration
Station Casinos' is hosting its annual 4th of July celebration with Fireworks by Grucci. Fireworks scheduled to go off on Wednesday, July 4 around 9 p.m. at Green Valley Ranch Resort, Red Rock Resort, Fiesta Rancho and Texas Station. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
Officer Brent Horlacher shoots at Jessie Murillo
Las Vegas police video of an officer-involved shooting on June 29, 2018. Officer Brent Horlacher, 28, fired a single shot at suspect Jessie Murillo. Murillo was not injured. The radio audio is of the officer who fired the gun and the body camera video is from a different officer. Radio audio excerpts are added to the video and are not the precise times the audio was spoken.
Pawn Stars' Richard Harrison honored at memorial service
A memorial service was conducted for Richard "Old Man" Harrison at Palm Mortuary in Las Vegas on Sunday, July 1, 2018. (Marcus Villagran/Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
UNLV professor cautions dangers of distracted walking
An alarming number of adults do not cross the street safely according to a study conducted by professor Tim Bungum of the School of Community Health Sciences at the UNLV. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas-Review Journal) @brokejournalist
Car left in remote desert 21 years is recovered for late owner's children
Showboat casino blackjack dealer Mark Blackburn died outside of White Hills, Ariz. 21 years ago. His 1980 Datsun B310 wagon remained in the remote desert until a network of volunteers recovered the car for his children. (K.M. Cannon/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Resort on Mount Charleston Sold for $4.8 million
North Carolina couple and hoteliers Deanna and Colin Crossman have purchased the Resort on Mount Charleston for $4.8 million. (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Traffic stop turns into officer-involved shooting
Las Vegas police are investigating after an officer fired a shot at a suspect fleeing a traffic stop early Friday morning. The officer tried to pull over a black Dodge Durango with license plates that belonged to a different vehicle. The driver took off northbound on Lamb Boulevard and at one point crossed into the southbound lanes. A man got out of the car and fled on foot. During the chase, the officer saw something in the man’s hand and fired a single shot, police said. The man wasn’t injured and was later taken into custody. Police could not confirm if the man had a weapon when he was arrested. This is the 9th officer involved shooting of 2018. Per police policy, the identity of the officer will be released after 48 hours. 01:05
5 Dead in Shooting at Capital Gazette Newspaper in Maryland
5 Dead in Shooting at Capital Gazette Newspaper in Maryland Five people have been killed and two have been injured in a "targeted attack" at the newspaper, which is owned by the Baltimore Sun. Anne Arundel County deputy police chief Bill Krampf said the suspected gunman entered the building with a shotgun and walked through the lower level of the building, where the newspaper is housed. According to Krampf, the suspect "possibly" had a connection to the paper through social media. The suspect was identified as Jarrod Warren Ramos. Ramos filed a defamation claim in 2012 against the paper but the case was dismissed. He is currently in custody. President Trump was briefed on the events.
Clark County Fire inspects fireworks booths
Clark County Fire Prevention Inspector Amanda Wildermuth talks about inspecting fireworks booths to keep everyone safe on Fourth of July. (K.M. Cannon/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Robbery suspects apprehended
Four robbery suspects were taken into custody Thursday morning after a vehicle and foot chase that ended in an east Las Vegas neighborhood. The incident began when a person was robbed at gunpoint around 4:45 a.m. near Maryland Parkway and Desert Inn. Officers arriving at the scene tried to stop two vehicles. One vehicle escaped but police chased the second into a neighborhood on Flamingo Road near Mountain Vista Street. Police surrounded the neighborhood and the suspects were apprehended. It looked like one police vehicle was involved in a collision with the suspects' car. One woman suffered an unknown injury and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. 01:04
Las Vegas Monsoon and Flood Season Are Approaching
The Clark County Flood Control District held a press conference to remind the public that monsoon season begins in July and runs through September. The exceptionally rainy season brings with it dangerous flooding events that can put the public in danger. (Madelyn Reese/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Garage catches fire in central valley
No one was injured after a detached garage caught fire early Wednesday morning on Lawry Avenue near Lake Mead Boulevard and MLK. Crews from the Las Vegas Fire Department responded to a fire call just after 2 a.m. When they arrived, firefighters had to cut holes in the roof to clear out smoke inside the garage so firefighters could enter safely, The cause of the fire is still under investigation. No injuries were reported.
News Headlines
Local Spotlight
Add Event
Home Front Page Footer Listing
You May Like

You May Like